ok besides the fact that it is a scorching 34 degrees out i'm really really envying ness with the 7 degree temp she's having right now. the worst thing is it's only gonna get worse and how the hell am i to study in such heat? then again i realise that i mostly do all my studying late at night so the question should be how the hell am i gonna sleep and go to uni with such blistering temperatures??!!?

i'm really praying very hard that ed can visit me in sydney right after my exams but the earliest he can pop by is 14th when i'm being evicted from college on the 17th. so maybe i can extend my stay for another week and it'll be all fun and happy when he's here going crazy eating with me =)

i'm gonna miss sydney uni and newtown food area and my room and being a senior. sigh.

just finished a pretty crappy counselling test. alan craddock should have questions that assess you on the practical usage of counselling skills. like write what you would say to someone who .... lalalala. then defend your answer. that would be fun and dandy. fortunately we're the last batch of communication and counselling kiddos, heard from claire that the replacement unit of study is health psychology.

boring.

but as long as i'm not doing it. that's fine with me.
12:13

the past 3 days have been very hard for me to say the least.
after swinging on the pendulum between overwhelming sadness, regret, immense sorrow, self directed anger and the numbness, i've tried pulling myself together but it's been so difficult.
getting out of bed was a chore. this morning when i woke up, for a fleeting moment i thought, aw damn it i'm alive, now i have to face another day of living heartache. then i proceeded to just lie in bed wishing that everything would just end.
i've got 11 more days to get over the urge to burst into tears during lectures if not the overliberal DSM IV would have me diagnosed with clinical depression. i'm all listless, and when i blank out during feeble attempts at studying, it's quite startling to discover that they are almost for an hour at a time. so before i knew it my weekend was gone, just like that. in a hazy of conflicting and compounding feelings.
i'm so tired yet i can't sleep, but i forced myself to get out of bed to cheer myself up even if i was not gonna be productive at all.
so lugged myself down to newtown to just get myself surrounded by books. books, museum, flowers, happy novelty items usually hit the spot in the lifting my spirirts department. even if only for a short while. but it's better than nothing.

in my hazy state i was inexplicably drawn to the florist, it was so beautiful and calming to be enveloped by lush colourful lively flowers. it was then i decided that i should get a potted plant to keep me company, just because i'm single, doesn't mean i have to be alone. potted flowers always bring me the fond memory of my grand dad gardening and the afternoons where we would spend in the brilliant sunshine. so it was some comfort and solace in getting a simple white cyclamen plant.
the more vibrant coloured ones seemed somewhat vulgar in contrast to my current mood, so an elegant white flowering plant was just the thing. the smooth unblemished pristine white petals just demanding so much delicate love and handling. it's a small consolation for me to channel those very same affectionate actions to.

i can barely keep my thoughts in a coherent fashion. so tired but when i'm in bed, just thoughts of being alone and knowing that i probably did lose "the one" due to my wistful folly, keep me awake.
my mind can be so cruel, unintentionally i'm hoping. cause i don't know how much more of all our quiet heartfelt domestic or intimate moments being replayed in my dreams, then having nightmarish scenes of distorted reality spliced into the scene, causing me to jerk awake and being deprived of the ability to drift back into peaceful sleep.

i'm really sorry kitty. i really do hope we can work things out.
21:36

ok it's friday (ie day 6) and still no smses or calls or anything. still no idea what he's playing at.
like i started off with last entry i've had plenty of time to think about it then i came up with a possible explaination into his behaviour.

despite him citing that he wants everything to work out in the long term he has major reservations about the situation in 3 years time with balancing airforce training, me, our relationship and that big gapping hole.
he constantly brings it up over and over and over and over again, to the point of sounding like a skipping record, the all possible (and also improbably) permutations and combinations featuring the what ifs of those said factors.
so much so that he's unconsciously starting to act on the uncertainty of the situational factors.
by trying to assert whatever last remaining vestige of control he perceives himself to possess on the only factor he has any say in. our relationship.

so now he's unconsciously (or perhaps i give him too much credit) working on/against our relationship knowing full well that whenever there is silence (hence perceived distance) between us for long periods of time i start getting numb. God, learning and behaviour principles really are the basis of our actions. so now without any reinforcement of contact between us, my conditioned responses of being optimistic and feelings towards about our relationship is being slowly and (very sadly) surely extinguished.
and he knows that. so he's using that against me.

the whole communication silence if done intentionally is quite possibly one of the most dispicable things he could inflict. just the long silence reminds drudges up old unwanted memories of having to endure months of hanging onto a thread with no emails, no smses, no messages, nothing, all at the time when i was at my most vulnerable emotionally.



i reckon he wants me to initate some sort of invitation for an 'open relationship'.
why do i think this way you ask?

many reasons,
firstly he's been criticisizing and bringing up the shortcomings of vann's relationship saying that she's incapable of emotional consideration for others only thinking of herself otherwise why would she date the sad sod of her current squeeze just for her own emotional gratification of having a boyfriend but (not so) secretly pining for her ex. while the sad bugger continues to blindly pursue a one sided love relationship.
bringing vann up once or twice is alright but not almost every fifth conversation. not only that but his constant whinges of how airforce pilots always break up with their girlfriends, blah blah we won't be an exception, blah blah blah, even the guy who has been in a 4 year relationship couldn't avoid the curse, blah blah blah blah blah.
all this inspite of all my heartfelt reassurances that we'll work out.
so it's very clear that his resistance to even consider that there is truth in my reassurances reflects his own unconscious wish for him to be single so he can start fulfilling all his short term gratification.


just surpised that it took me so long to see that.

so his repressed thoughts start manifesting themselves in his petulant stance in not wanting to call or make contact for a long enough time so that i start feeling desensitized to our relationship then hopefully retailate to his behaviour and getting all worked up with my reknowned temper then in the process give him what he wants. an open invitation for an open relationship.
which is one hell of a selfish thing cause i'm not going to bend over and let myself get screwed if that's the case.

i know it's all sweet, romantic, wistful, sentimental waiting for your sweetheart at the end of the day then spending the rest of your lives with them. but it's superficial and quite frankly insulting when they pretend to be all magnanimous and say oh here's permission to see someone else, knowing that their property (ie you) are all safe knowing full well that you won't go off galavanting with randoms upon receving the open invite while they take the advantage.
it's bloody hypocritical and double standard at it's best (or worst, whichever way you look at it).

cause it is within my character to cut off the nose to spite the face. i'll regret it later on but the pull of self destructive satisfaction of my actions at that moment is always there to egg me on.

so hopefully i pray that the above thoughts are just over channelling stupid freudian psychoanalysis. but i have a nagging suspicion that it isn't the case.

please tell me i'm wrong
18:07

last entry was pretty bleah come to think of it.. in short it's basically the annoying nagging voice that pops into my head whenever i'm having doubts about me, about my relationship and what is expected of me. and it also emerges when i'm jaded and annoyed with you know who you are.
but anyway that mindset is more the exception than my normal mindset of being optimistic, thinking and hoping like hell that everything works out.
minus the time i spend thinking "i really should be doing stats" (but right now i'm having this mild headache which i reckon comes from breathing all the fumes from long periods of colouring with permanent markers)
i just had quite a while to think this week with 4 days of not hearing a squeak from him. still a mystery why that's so. by yesterday morning i was thinking he better be dead or dying otherwise he doesn't have a good enough reason not to have made contact for so long. *shifty eye look* i know he's alive cause he's blatantly using facebook to mutual friends so it pops up in my mini feed. so now i'm extremely suss.
asked sammy on her opinion on that, she agrees it's weird but in spite of our usually very creative and productive brainstorming we couldn't churn out any plausible reasons for such behaviour. i really don't know what he's playing at and it used to bug me but now i'm pretty much getting over it.
15:05

quite possibly for the very first time i truly feel like a responsible older sister to derek. last night i was helping him sort through possible subject combinations figuring it out with the subjects he likes, his strength and weaknesses.
it was quite a thrilling experience to be a good role model for derek.
it was also very sweet and exciting when he was sharing personal things about himself and his current love life. for a moment there i was thinking in my head hey wait, at sec 2 aren't you a bit young to pursuing a relationship? then i remembered that i was only a year older than him when i started one, which at that point i didn't really know the extent of how serious it would turn out. well 5 years since then i'm still in that very relationship.
somehow reflecting upon it, my first (read:only) relationship being 5 years and still going really does hold alot of implications for further personal dev several years down the road. if it doesn't work out, i'm stuffed to put it nicely.
with the said relationship being the template for future ones (if any) it's gonna be very hard to deviate from the mold, which agrees with my mom's view on this current relationship and scarily enough despite my mom's relational advice being whacked, it's actually extremely intuitive as nessy and i discovered.
but like she advised ness using me as an example, i'm really limiting myself to other choices which surely enough would ring through if everything doesn't work out.
man that's really intimidating just thinking about it.

anyhoo i'm going to get ready for class now. i'll continue this rambly bit later
08:14

got this amazingly wonderful email from derek. such a great email that i have to share it.
really heartfelt hilarious way that describes my brother... as you can see bad spelling runs in the family.

mom ask me to type as im her hired secretary , she just came back from holy hour and is full of delicious items. she so cheap only da BAo 4 dumpling for me, so called my favourite . SO CHEAP!!! and never even get more!!!!
ness spent her bday out , breakfast dad , lunch friend and night for some gym concerthingy of dooom!!!

timothy ,theodores bro ,mathhews son and old 7am mass alter server , just in case u dunno him, quit RAF(royal air force)apparently they gave him a choice , he said that training was tough and laborious and ended up wating mageemee all the time and hes goin to australia to study (uwa) and may most probaly join sia (accept them only 25 years old).

thats all for now shes overbloated bein her usual piggy gluttony self. and me goin regatta tmr .
thank you for tuning into BBC news. pls watch us at 10 tmr to get updates on reggatta results.
and moms bein lame at the moment making me call bbc ddc , somnrthin like derek dad news or dead derek broadcasting
. sooooooooooooo laaaaaaammmmmmmeeeeeeee!!!!
and wiwi forever!!


fantastic email isn't it? i just adore him.
01:11

awww one of the sweetest and more sincere things i've ever heard from ed.

don't lose any weight alright? cause that's the way i love you for who you are.
02:53

i saw the promo for the new catherine zeta jones movie 'no reservations' i felt a pang of sadness cause that's not only the title of anthony bourdain's show it's a movie bout 2 chefs going at it in the mad world of upper class resturants and falling in love. then i recalled that i was hoping so badly that the movie would be out when i was back then ness and i could go watch it together since we quite often watch cooking shows together and it's nice to bond over girl flicks.

also realised that ness and i haven't gone out for a movie together. ever before. been with derek for dodgeball and fantastic four. and it was amazing how we irritated the hell out of ness by quoting our fave line of 'if you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball'.

oh! at least all three of us now have a special 'line' of kelso nailing your sister!

it's very strange that after 3.5 years of being in australia alone away from home, that i only really truly insanely miss my sister. it's like homesickness on delayed, make that very delayed timer. reckon it's cause this time round not only were we thick as thick thieves, it's the realisation that during christmas when i'm back, there would be this void of ness since she's in wisconsin!
i'm so upset just thinking bout that, so now i'm even more tempted to take up jen's catering job. i know that it's gonna pay really well. i'm guessing at least 400 for a day's work. probably more for me cause (not to blow my own horn, but i'll prob have a larger than average role in jen's kitchen/serving team)
all the money including tips from this catering job would go into the ''plane ticket for ness to come home during christmas cause it's means alot to her and the rest of the family'' fund.

just think of all the pain she would be going through, it's her first time alone in a foreign country and teamed with the holiday season which is so cruel for those alone, it's a concoction of instant and painful heartache. and i don't want that to happen to ness. if you know her chracter, it's not a healthy prognosis.

so yes, i'm missing ness insanely right now. to comfort myself i say stare mindlessly into 'my aquarium' and 'my garden'
02:37

ok like i told ness 2 mins ago i'm dedicating this blog entry to julian.

i can already hear ed going.. 'lose respect'. but that's not the point.

called ness a few hours back interupting her desperate housewives, and she told me one of the most hilarious stories.

julian had called her only moments before and told her that when he was done smoking he chucked the ciggie butt on the ground, then he was caught by a police officer and told he would be slapped with a $200 fine for littering.

my natural response was to laugh her, (ness was stronger she managed to supress her laughter)

and so to evade forking out 200 he bolted.
and as fate would have it there was a whole bunch of policemen hanging around the area. and off they went in hot pursuit and finally one tackled him to the ground.

laughter elicited from me again. at this point ness couldn't not laugh.

and so now he has to face charges in court for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer.

more laughter from the both of us. and julian got upset that ness laughed.

but seriously, isn't that the natural response?

man he really truly is CMI.
02:12

after going through all my learning material i thought to myself hey, i quite really like learning. it's straightforward and wow, there's actually a good chance i might get around a credit overall. (taking into account for my essay i'm starting like with a minus -20.)

but after the most gay exam in the history of pscyh exams. i'll be extremely glad to just pass.

horrid short answer questions were like.

what was pavlov's greatest acheivenments and how did it influence western psychology!!!!!!
seriously the last time i checked i was doing a course on learning and behaviour, not tribute orbituary writing 101. man i really adore you bob boakes, but WHAT THE HELL! SERIOUSLY! i had to write so much bullshit, it wasn't even good bullshit. so gonna fail. ARGH!! apparently was writing so furiously and exerting great pressure on my hand that i had paper friction burn (it's like carpet burn but on your hand from paper) which only really kicked in once the chief invigilator declared pens down and all the adrenaline went WHOOSH! right out of my system.


haha but i did like all the gags that ian NEVILLE johnston put in. got a couple of laughs from that. he's so random. he's great. awww i'm reminded of my really smart rat cause of him. such a lovely tutor. i really do feel bad for justin harris. he must think i hate him as a tutor or something that's why i'm rarely at his tutes.
but i've good reasons!
- one was cause it was my birthday and nise had specially come down to my campus to meet up! aww. she's such a darling.
- another was cause of the evil bout of food poisoning i had from that wretched pasta sauce. (ok ok food aversion i should know better than attribute it like that but that's learning principles for you)
- after kinda shredding my achilles heel on sunday night, my entire foot was swollen by morning cause i didn't elevate it when i was sleeping.
- i usually miss mondays cause on sundays out of little choice i had to consume the MSG laden slabs of ick meat which i've just discovered i've developed sensitivity to it with food allergies. so monday mornings my queasy gastrotract is hating me for it.

so it's not that i have anything against him, i really don't. i think he's a lovely tutor. it's just that the circumstances don't permit me to attend his classes.
07:59

happy birthday kitty!
07:58

YAY! gotten my tom jones 'help yourself' cd.

the title track is one of my all time tom jones fave, along with she's a lady, it's not unusual, burning down the house (with the cardigans) and sexbomb.

remembered as a child, i watched a show, i think it was the tom jones show, where he was dancing and singing she's a lady which why i really have this strange not so secret shame for his music.
but somehow, tom jones is right at home with my musical taste of dean martin, frank sinatra, ok a1 is incongruent to everything but it's still pivotal part of my music preferences.
man i'm really itchy right now, stupid muddy puddle water. going off to scratch till it bleeds or till it's less itchy, whichever comes first.

I WANT A SWAN LAKE TICKET!!!!!
15:29

ok i can't believe that stupid jerk argued with me about MY food allergies.
seriously what the hell.
but i must admit that i was wrong, of course you know what i'm allergic to. not me. that would be silly for me to be aware of my OWN FREAKING food allergies.

bitch.

seriously no one likes you, even your friends turn around and apologise for your behaviour then later confide that they really can't stand you. so deal with it.
03:26

i'm slouched all over the chair in the computer room, famished from the lack of red meat for the past 2 and a half weeks. pretty much convinced that my haemoglobin blood count has plummeted since. it's a combination of me avoiding the MSG laced meat slabs (not said in tender affectionate typical sandra way of saying slabs of meat) and the lack of any decent red meat around here. NOT EVEN VEAL for crying out loud. it's deprivation of basic liberties! how can i be parted from my red meat! HOW CAN I!
*wails*

been craving pasta as usual, i want full on traditional or close to traditional italian done pasta. sancta pasta has killed pasta for me. frank's should start making pasta like a good rich smokey based infused creamy carbonara or aglio oli, or neopolitian, or something!! I WANT PASTA!
and also on the side a gorgeous slab of red bloody marbled steak, oh wagyu burger! oh wagyu burger! neil perry i beeseech you, please open a grill style rockpool in sydney (at the melbourne prices of course) and i PROMISE YOU, swear on all pasta holy that i would go there every fortnight provided it's near me. OH PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! i will even cook in your kitchen for you! i'll pry christie's oysters with my bare hands instead of shucking them open. PLEASE! please please please please.

oh wait, isn't jen on leave today???? good i'll drag her to the courtyard cafe for my white truffles then off to leicdhart for the most marvellous pizza known to man. but then i have the sneaking suspicion that she's off with simon so my plans are mostly well just plans, nowhere close to reality.

so plan B. (B now representing bloody red steak, mmmm)
i reckon pho noodles down at newtown isn't too bad an option, 15 for 2 rather massive bowls. otherwise there's no red meat option down at newtown, unless you count tapas which is the biggest rip off since.. well people ripping off clothes from the racks during stella launch at target. i could go down to meat & wine, give them another chance to salvage their steaks. but that's like 32 not including bus fare. which is alot to gamble on meat & wine.

ah crud, where can i get good steaks in sydney!!!!!! maybe coogee, oh goodness the mash was beyond anything..

i just realise that i'm just typing anything that comes straight out of my head, thus the incoherent babling to myself. ok i'm off now, going to spend the next 10 mins googling steak places close by and then take a 3 hour nap before touching up my super shit assignment which i've long given up hope on.
02:44

random: bob boakes has such a nice soft lilting english accent that i try hard not to drift off during lectures just so i can concentrate on his voice rather than the boring as evil evil hell learning material.
03:03

in light of the whole underage drinking spike in hollywood, i was flipping through the legal drinking age of different countries. with 18 being the norm.
however imagine my surprise when i discovered that the minimum drinking AND purchasing age in italy was 14!
i expected it to be 16 considering the country's love for wine and food (my assumption wasn't off with france clocking in 16)

but 14! wowser.

it's also amusing to note that in isle of man the minimum drinking age is.. 5!
it was stated that in the UK it's illegal to give a child under 5 alcohol unless it is for medical purposes or in emergencies. WHAT??

have absolutely no idea as to what would constitute an emergency to be giving such a young child alcohol! sobering up is NOT one of them jen. but seriously what medical purpose would require you giving the child alcohol.

the world is so weird.
03:53

so here's the lowdown on my last patrizio concert the 28th.

patrizio recounted what had happened during his melbourne performance (either the 13th or 14th of may), he met the children he had up on stage to accompany him to l'italiano last year, later he was pulled aside by the children's grandmother and was told that the father of one child, carla was involved in an accident and passed away on the 11th, just several days before. her father and her were passionate fans of patrizio and she requested un angelo to be played at his funeral cause she 'believes in angels'.

he continued stating how difficult it was for him to express his emotions of grief, deep sorrow and admiration for her, being a small child of around 10 losing her father so suddenly, unexpectedly and before his concert which they were looking forward to.
he felt her pain having lost his beloved father to virulent cancer at the age of 17.
so he called her up to the stagehe and proceeded to dedicate un angelo (the italian version of robbie william's angels) to carla's father , pulling up the bar stool for her to sit while he gave the most genuine heartfelt passionate rendition of un angelo, all the while you could see carla wiping her tears away with her sleeve. patrizio just pressing her head to his chest and stroking her hair, hugging her whenever tears started streaming down.
i too was on the verge of tears knowing that while he was singing that song, he was closing his eyes envisioning his father, and feeling him near - the reason as to why he's doing what he's doing.
it's all for his father.

with the deep baritone voice hauntingly fills the air, i could just imagine that for carla, her father was there with her too. it was easily the most honest and heart wrenching thing i've ever witnessed.

after the last notes faded into the heavy atmosphere, he knelt down and hugged her so tight whispering words of comfort while she was crying on his shoulder, my heart really went out to her having seen her small body heave with her violent sobbing.

the appaluse resounded, with the audience sniffing and wiping away their own tears.

his stage presence and the emotions, the soul he puts behind his music is so amazing that he could move the audience to tears. for several songs after that the mood was rather sombre, might as well since it was followed by the rather smary duet of let's make love. (phil groaned when she heard the song's title, i honestly can't blame her. i cringed when silvie paladino came out on stage and proceeded with googling eyes and even more smary touchy feely happenings going on stage to accompany the lyrics. ick)

so anyway, i scoffed at the fans waiting at the backstage carpark exit, hearing the fans hypothesize what sort of car he'll come out in. i just waited at the reception area, not out in the cold as the mindless fans did. and why?

2 main logical reasons why i didn't join them in their outdoor vigil by the carpark exit.

it's the last night of his show people.

so obviously he'll be packing up, changing, resting, talking to the australian stage crew, thanking whoever, saying fareweels, exchanging contacts and getting ready so it'll be at least an hour after the end of his show before he leaves the theatre. so no point waiting out in the cold for nothing.

another reason is that he wouldn't be driven out in some fancy black mercedes benz or bmw with tinted windows. he's such a down to earth guy, i imagine rather egalitarian with his upbringing and he'll most likely join his band in the charterted vans, so they would have more time to talk anyway.

so it was quite sad to see 40 year old women with more combined botox in their faces than would make an entire barbie doll, chase after every tall dark guy that exited the building clad in a dark suit.
so after being asked to leave the theatre i popped over to the sofitel hotel lounge for a bit to wait out the next hour. after which i went to the main equipement loading exit and waited patiently for patrizio's arrival.

chatted with some of his band members, the percussion guy was quite charming talking about travelling the world and he was about to get more into how he started the percussions when out of the corner of my eye, a tall dark and very handsome figure clad in a white 'dinner-esqe' jacket came out talking to 2 other men. and my first response was to gap like a goldfish out of water repeating mindlessly OMG OH MMMY GOD... *squeaking out*
patrizio!
then then walking as far as my trembling legs would bring me, i joined the other 3 fans who had waited it out. there was a young couple around 26ish, the girl was called natalie, didn't catch the guy's name and the other lady approximately late 30s-early 40s was caprice who worked at iceberg at bondi junction it's a celebrity hangout place in sydney. he greeted caprice with a polite hello, then nodded at natalie then leaned forward pulling me in for a hug and a KISS ON THE CHEEK. MY GOD!

once more i was reduced to my gaping mess. caprice pulled him towards her, pressing her namecard into his open palm. i have the photo of that actually, and you can clearly see HIS mouth gaping. haha. his expression was one of total shock and bewildered at having met someone so forward. man she makes me seem like a wilting shrking wallflower.

so anyhoo i told him that i went to every single one of his sydney concerts, to which with opened eyed amazement said. that's ALOT of money in that gorgeous italian golden voice of his. to which i reply. well that's alot of love.
we chatted for about another minute or so, the minutes floating by in a surreal haze.

my feelings at that moment could be very well summed up in..

volare, oh oh, e cantare, woah oh oh oh.
no wonder my happy heart sings.
your love has given in wings.
nel blu di pinto di blue.

ha. but meeting him it was like seriously meeting with dean martin, frank sinatra and young elvis all in one package. so it was somehow like another childhood aspiration come true being able to meet my music idols. ok maybe elvis is more a on and off, recent addition joing the ranks of sinatra and dino 4 years ago.

then again i oly started getting really into dino and frank when i was around 11-12 so that's only 4 years more on elvis.

i'll put the pictures up whenever i get them off phil's camera. i really should get started on my evil thing called learning, man that totally ruined the wonderful fuzzy feeling i got from recalling monday. yay! i now love monday nights.

let's see in general
i love monday nights.
tuesday afternoons.
wednesday nights.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE thursdays. cause of long days and it usually marks the day before assignments are due.
love fridays cause i get them off.
love saturdays till evening
love sunday mornings
hate sunday evening cause they represent the end of the weekend =(

ok i've totally veered off course. as usual. so now i'm going to get at least 300 words done for my essay then hit the sack. althought you and i very well know, no studying is gonna get done.
01:52

I HATE MYSELF.

today when i met patrizio, i had planned several things to say to him

buongiorno mi ciamo sandra. mi ho piaceto tuo concerto leri sera. (italian: good morning/hi, i'm sandra and i really enjoyed your concert last night)
i've been to ALL your sydney concerts last year and the past 2 nights. i'll see you again tmr night.

but nooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to be so awe struck in his presence that i totally clammed up. and could only take in his good looks. it was so surreal. man even when i met a1 at my insane peak, and got a kiss from both paul and christian, i could still chat away with them.
but patrizio, i just stood there speechless. ARGH NOW YOU SEE WHY I HATE MYSELF

OH OH i dropped my hairband and he picked it up for me!!!!!!!
i'm never gonna wash that hairband ever again.


14:56

i so so so so so so so shouldn't have done learning.
several reasons

1. i had an anxiety attack this morning about it.
2. i did extremely miserably at the learning report last year
3. for the exam i spent most of my studying on the NON learning bits of the unit
4. when i was sick and couldn't go to lectures, i was so lost in the next lectures

now the points pertaining to patrizio

5. it put a dampener on my patrizio concerts enjoyment
6. i KNOW he's going for the sydney italian festival which i had planned on going before i found out about his attendence. ok so here's what i've gathered.
tonight (27th). possibly resting from back to back performances and his voice sounded really hoarse at the autograph signing today. poor love.
mon (28th) concert again. =)
thurs (31st) performance at wellington
sat (2nd june) auckland
sun (3rd june) back in sydney for serate con sophia. the special uber exclusive gala black tie dinner with sophia loren as guest of honour. and he's performing. man if only i had the money to burn.

ok so basically if there's any night he would go it would either be tonight or tues night. but now i can't go and turn up to leichhardt which is so close to where i am right now cause of stupid learning which is due on friday. MAN! stupid learning.
have i mentioned how much i hate learning and i'm very convinced i'm gonna fail it.

man i'm depressed, i'll go have some lasagne and later pop over to gelatomassi for vanilla chip gelato later.
even i don't think they'll stock vanilla chip tonight =(

everything is going wrong for me this week!!
14:19

tsk tsk, shameful that locals don't know where martin place is. i've been living in sydney for the past 3 and a half years and even IIIII know where the sunrise building is.

for all those ignorant people (the opposite of la dolce vita) sunrise building is at the corner of martin place and castlereagh. gosh!
he'll be doing autograph signing and i'm extremely tempted to go even if it's at 10 ON A SUNDAY MORNING! does he not know that it is a sleep in day??

but who am i to say when my own parents drag us out of bed to attend 7AM sunday mass.
well he is roman catholic (i'm assuming he is cause i saw him made the sign of the cross, and come on the biggest catholic population in the world is in italy!)
anyhoo the catholics have this whole guilt trip going on, and also enduring torture for your religion. awww i miss john paul.. ok that was VERY random. but i was talking about how much friendlier and loving he is as a pope compared to the current one. ok kudos for him for bringing back masses in latin.

i know i'll be going to church .. religiously (HAHA) if it's in latin.

YAY for latin masses. and boo to having to wake up early to get an autograph. but i'm hardcore and he's so swoon worthy! OMG i'm still trembling over his voice. oh gosh.

anyway ok here's the plan.

wake up at 810, get ready
825 - 840brekkie (beg merci to let me have brekkie earlier. if not there's always tmr anyway damn college photo)
840-855 wait for the bus
920 latest i reach martin place then start walking towards sunrise building. oh wait.. don't think that's enough time! there's sure to be a queue. but i'll pray for the best.

assuming i get lost. which i have this sinking feeling i will but i know martin place pretty well so doubt that's the case. so maybe about 930 start waiting in line. better load up more music onto my player to keep me entertained. i'm patient. so that's alright.

then get back to college 1 the latest. have lunch then go and start learning. so not looking forward to that. but i've little choice.

if i'm gonna be waiting that long better have more things to sign. well i've got an unsigned first album. and this year's programme. ARGH left my forever begins tonight at home!!!!!!!

was considering buying another one but the state was selling it almost twice the price at HMV. so i've only 2 things for him to sign. oh wait, i also left my DVD at home!!

what is wrong with you sandra!!!!

so i've only got 2 items, and maybe my ticket from last night. it would be so cool if i presented him with tickets from last year. proof i've attended all his sydney concerts!!
but once again i maintain that i love and adore him for his music and talent and not so much his dark gorgeous looks.

ok i better stop and get ready for bed if i'm to be up at the unearthly hour tmr.

ciao!
22:21

things i would like to accomplish before i die.

1. be the inspiration, muse, for the most beautiful riveting heartfelt poetic possibly bittersweet songs. basically i want to be the patti boyd-harrison/boyd-clapton of today. for those unaware of her, she was the inspiration for several monumental love songs, harrison's something (the 2nd most covered beatles song behind yesterday) and more notably's clapton's layla and wonderful tonight. also pretty blue eyes, golden ring, never make you cry and pretty girl.

or more modern counterparts could be the difference by matchbox 20.
or like dean martin's everybody loves somebody. or the way you look tonight. or have i told you lately. oh ha! maybe she's a lady too! robbie's angels.
or the more obscure malafemmena or na sera e' maggio (an evening in may).

the song doesn't have to be about me but it would be nice if that were the case :)
i might have to draw the line at angsty hate filled songs screaming and swearing that i'm a motherfreakin' bitch, user and abuser of men, bane to mankind unless done in very poetic poignant context like i had broken your heart into pieces so small and left you incapable to love anyone else since no other woman's love is anywhere comparable to mine, i'm just OOOOHHHH SO bad for you, but you can't help it. my love's a life source for you, and even now whilst suffering withdrawl symptons from my dangerous but umm powerful lovin' you still think and lament that i'm your goddess..
that sort of thing haha

2a. be a museum curator that's my ideal dream job
2b. have my work displayed sigh if only i had half the talent or even drive of carly casey hammond.

3. speaking of which, having a very quiet intimate artwork done of me, the ideal one would be like the above paintings, or just a simple black and white of me sleeping, gorgeous tousled hair, sunlight streaming in creating the perfect lighting etc. something that captures me, it's not so much for ego, but rather something to reminse fondly over, to be startled everytime at the simplicity the beauty of that one moment.

4. have a whirlwind romance preferably in Italy, oh lake como! oh grand canals of Venice in a pleasure yacht! oh quaint charming cobbled alleyways! oh ancient ruins of Rome! be still my heart! be still!

5. be totally surprised with something insanely romantic that even writers/producers/directors of all time soppy love movies couldn't think of anything to top that off.. high expectations i know but a girl needs to be swept off her feet (if in need of inspiration, the facebook group is a very good start) and treated like a princess, his princess, once in a while. it's quite hopeless that i'm such a die hard romantic, every passionate stolen moments.

malafemmena.. wistful lovely sigh.

speaking of being swept off your feet.



6. eat at all the best resturants in the world. going by the 2005 best list, i can knock rockpool off

7. travel to every of my dream countries earth and let me immerse myself in their pure unadulterated unamericanised culture, like a local! wish there were no language bounderies or money limitations for that matter!
7b. travel the world by fancy train, like the trans siberian or oriental expresses, or via ship with louis vuitton trunks (which very sadly cost 40 grand each =( )

8. go to every famous museum in the world that houses the impressionist and post impressionists
8b. attend swan lake ballet.

9. have a wonderful family life, with loving husband and of course a child of my own in a lovely house with pretty pets. (told you i was clucky and nesting)

lastly, make my parents proud.
03:56

it's bad enough that i'm surrounded by people with nice defined features, large eyes, good side profile. basically people who are so much better looking than me.

once more you just had to highlight my insecurities about myself, my terrible complexion for one or do you know how much i resist wanting to go to the toilet and throw up everytime i feel fat (which is most of the time) but then i have this image of myself crying screaming out 'don't you know i hate having the disorder i'm supposed to be treating!!' which is very effective at discouraging me from picking up bulimia.

or times when i forgo spending money on something pretty or something i want just so i can save up for cosmetic surgery whenever phil makes comments about my 'chinky eyes'.

or times when jen takes swipes about my complexion, or my mom compares mine to ness, i seriously consider taking various hormonal medication inspite of all the side effects esp messing up reproductive system or high chances of depression, or harmful changes to neurotransmitters, all just so i can have a better complexion.

or sometimes i would really wish that i would get involved in a car accident breaking the bones in my face, just so i now would be allowed to get cosmetic surgery for more prominent features. i don't mind the pain. i used to partake in dangerous activites simply to get my face injured so i can get it revamped.

so imagine how i must feel when you bring up stupid dawn yang so wistfully, saying how pretty she now is with her plasticsized, then making me relive the times where i hated myself and started praying so hard for all the above? then for a week i'll sink into an ebb of depression and self loathing, then pull out the folder containing idealised pictures of myself, parts of my face i want reconstructed and the relevant costs, pre and post surgery procedures, and numbers of respective surgeons?

did you know i actually did get the money for eyes and nose job, and actually called a plastic surgeon to arrange a consultation for an operation?

you say you're supportive but when i tell you parts of myself i'm unhappy about and wanting to get surgery, you don't discourage me, instead you to the opposite and suggest areas that i could improve on. which makes me so resentful of how i am right now. learned helplessness comes to mind, cause i know full well my chances to get surgery done is practically zilch, due to my parents, societal pressures or whatever stupid unfair constrains.
throughout the entire conversation i kept wishing you'll reassure me of how i look, saying you're pretty as you are, i love you as you are or don't be silly then bash those cosmetic surgery addicted people or something to dispell all these negative thoughts of myself i have in my head.

but you don't.
23:21

first post of my blog with i did from scratch.

i love you kitty!
muacks!
22:20

anxious.

i've lost all the squealing excitement from anticipating patrizio's concert.
spent slightly more than 500 on the tickets, so now i'm so pressurised to really really REALLY enjoy it.

cause 500 can buy alot
for instance
about one ninth of the cheaper carly casey hammond paintings
the gucci sunglasses i was considering for 410 (before 10% rebate)
the louis vuitton sunglasses.. which comes at the very affordable price tag of 750. *deadpan* yay.
20:57

when asked by phil 2 weeks back to translate ahem.. RI's motto Auspicium Melioris Aevi .
my somewhat educated stab in the dark was hope for a good/better future.

while i was procrastinating today, i googled the english translation.

lo and behold.

hope for a better age.

a ha! my latin isn't shabby at all!
so should have taken latin instead of learning. ick.
21:09

i seriously do believe that i am a strong contender for the title worst person in history. and by worst person i mean go out to hurt someone who loves you so dearly and you're just too bloody deluded with self righteousness to even realise that you're wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. but that's how it is.

eyes are still pretty much raw from crying but i can't complain at all compared to all the shit i've put him through.

just got off the phone at 2, which means midnight singapore time. i don't know how i can live with myself. he has a massive massive test tmr and there i was just torturing him out of sheer uncontrollable vindictiveness, not only depriving him of 2 hours of sleep but whatever good night's rest he can salvage from it.

i'm already racked with guilt and anger at myself for ignorantly defending the rather unsavory behaviours of my friends, once again at his expense, he lost out on gold by a measly second cause of sleep deprivation. how do i live with myself. so now history repeating itself, he might not do as well as he deserves and all cause of me. i've already come to terms that my life would amount to nothing (as i've been told many times throughout my childhood by my mom) but i don't want to drag someone who would definately make a positive impact on the world into the mud with me. tonight when i presented him with the option of out, there was another reason besides 'dead end'. it was that i couldn't live with myself knowing that someone as brilliant as him could lose it all (and is willing to) just to be with me, i just couldn't bring myself to let him make such a mistake. i'm seriously his downfall. (not that i'm trying to give myself more importance). if there's one thing i know about my future, it's that.
seeing how that i always had the propensity to jeopardise his shining future, i just had to do it for his own good. cliched yes, but how true are cliches. if they weren't they would have survived till now.
i rather seem the monster now for breaking his heart, rahter than destroying his entire life. with his heart, he'll get over it and live but you can't fix an entire lifetime. so that part of me was goading me into calling him and presenting him with a way out, cruel now but he would thank me later in life for that. i really hate future uncertainties.

are we really as capable as we think we are when it comes to making big decisions that would affect the life of others?


the conversation was so full of promise, then i had to bring up the whole issue of me wanting to adopt my fourth child. i understand that it's unfair of me to impose something which yes is nobel but turns out to be very selfish and unreasonable when i realised that i'm probably never gonna work or earn enough money to contribute to this child and here i am imposing on ed
hey blah blah blah self righteous rant on why we should adopt, some children would never in their whole lives experience a tenth of the love i so undeservingly receive unconditionally from my parents, and that's one of the main reasons why we should adopt - to give someone a semblence of love that so many firtunate others have experienced.
but i realised that adopting a child would also present itself as a major issue when broken down into dollars and cents - the reality of it all. if i had endless monetary resources at my disposal i would really adopt a child, maybe another.
and i understand that it would be stressful for him to not only work to support a comfortable lifestyle for his family, he has so many obligations.
support his parents, support his family, then children's education and health insurance issues, mortgage, expenses, utility bills..
the whole shebang.

raising a family has never been more stressful and here i am, tho with good intentions i'm just heaping an additional burden on him. if only the world were that simple.

i wasn't being obnoxious when i declared catholicism to be more of a structured 'organized religion' compared to buddhism. it really is how it is.

i'm so wretched, just thinking maybe my dad deep down below his exterior of unconditional love is greatly dissappointed with how my once extremely promising life is turning out, i've really lost all motivation in life, i don't really want to admit this to anyone, more importantly myself. somedays are really conflicted, i'm petrified of dying yet sometimes i wish that i was in hospital with dengue, life is just reduced very simply to life or death, and i wish that stark life death situation would put my life in perspective. give me a kick but most of all give me motivation, drive to accomplish something with my life.
sometimes i'm pretty much convinced i'm bipolar, one minute in my head i'm happy as the summer sun, the next minute i want to curl up in my bed, detesting the gorgeous sunny weather, wishing that i didn't have classes, i didn't have obligations, i could just slip into uncomplicated sleep yet not die, just wanting to live my life as a whisper of what it could be, drifting without meaning.
morbid as it may sound i have thought many times about my funeral. few people would turn up for ME. those that do would come cause ikhwa's/alex's daugther passed away so we're going to support them, or vanessa's/derek's sister passed away so let's go support them.
i honestly do believe that my AEP girls would come, some of my sec 4 teachers, perhaps 'the table' (since they'll be limited by the travelling overseas thing) and ed, would be the only ones there.
sociable as i may seem, many people do hate me. my sec 4 class with perhaps the exception of.. clare, then again she's AEP, but i really don't think anyone would attend my funeral for ME, sandra. no one would mourn my passing in their daily lives, i'll always be a little blip in their radar that no one would ever miss when gone.

but ed, i'm sorry i really never meant to hurt you, perhaps it was taken out of context, and my temper and flair for dramatics doesn't seem to help it at all. honestly, would i be willing to give up a 5 year relationship that has defined me and truly is one of my last few motivating factors of life, for a religion for which my faith wavers? it was more complex then it seemed at the surface cause how i define my parents or rather how they have defined themselves to us, particularly my dad, is relgion.
when i think of God, my dad is always there in my mind. one part of me associations, even parallels God with my dad, i'm not being sacriligious but i believe that my dad loves the same as God, unconditionally no matter how much of a dismal failure i am.
but sometimes i feel so frustrated and filled with longing when my dad doesn't know the extent i love him, he reckons it's cause he's unconditional and lets me off cause i'm so much like him on so many different levels. but we're never affectionate or very close cause it's just ackward for him i suppose, sometimes i want to smack him screaming why can't we be more close!!!!!!! why must you always talk about God, and update me on your meetings and business trips, why can't we just talk like father and daughter! WHY CAN"T WE DAMN IT!! it's really frustrating when he's so proper on the phone. i crave for half the relationship my sister has with my mom but with my dad. i've given up on hoping for anything with my mom. i really have.
it's scary when sometimes postcards on postsecret express/make me acknowledge how i feel inside. i didn't call my mom on mother's day, i know it broke her heart, but i just didn't want to talk to her on such a superficial commercial day, but it'll just be pleasentaries which are again superficial, somehow it's better than i don't call and spoil her day.
it just is.


i don't know. just wish i knew everything.
00:06

so weird. during my cognition tute today, we were asked to spell out novel non words.
so the tutor said clird and i spelt it as cleude.
to which she mentioned hmm it's french spelling.

weird. don't know why i have a propensity to spell in french, even commission. i put accents on the letters.
18:31

quite upset, just flipped through photo album after photo album of singaporean girls.

it's utterly depressing when 98% of them are stick thin (the other 2% actually HAVE boobs)

kinda related: when ed saw me on tues, he kept asking why do you only wear sporty-esqe and somewhat more revealing (as in racerback sports top) in australia instead of singapore?

it's cause in singapore, all the girls are sticks but in australia, I"M the stick. so i don't have as much of a weight issue as i do when surronded by stick insects in singapore.


anyhoo some might say it's hypocritical of me (since i'm COMPARITIVELY thinner than most aussie girls) to be applauding madrid fashion show's for implementing a ban on models who are GROSSLY GROSSLY underweight, hello??!
those in concentration camps had more meat on their bones than some of these girls.

and i told myself! you know what ..?

i'm PROUD (quite) of my body/shape (not so happy about the extra winter padding) so heck being thin, people here compliment me on being lithe (well that was LAST year when i was 4kg lighter) but still..!

so as a reasonable resolution i'm going to;

- not eat chocolates, well too much anyway. exception when i am insanely stressed.
- not eat rubbish candy
- reduce the amount of sugar in my tea
- only eat things worth my eating. that is and has been my new mantra since melbourne.
- drink water alot cause it cleanses my icky internal system
- eat more cherry tomatoes or any semblence of veggies. which i am glad to say i have been sticking to rather religiously. 15 a day - blended to a thick pulp and immediately gulped down to retain the vitamin C and fibre. i would usually eat them whole but for some strange reason the past couple of batches have been rather sour.


if it's any consolation, i don't..
drink
consume chips or any junk food
consume caffine

i don't eat unhealthy food, it's just that i don't eat really healthy food.


but anyway i'm taking this drastic action mostly cause it's beyond disgusting/repulsive/horrific that i can actually grab HANDFULS of my sides and stomach! damn all the winter padding and padding courtesy of melb, what's worse is that patrizio's concerts are coming up and i have to at least not be dumpy.

so besides the crisis of WHAT TO WEAR!
i'm experiencing an OMG I"M SO FREAKING PUDGY IT"S NO LONGER FUNNY!
as such i shall be cruel to myself and walk around my room in barely anything infront of the full length mirror so i shall be more motivated to excercise or at least work out on helping the grotesque thing called my tummy.


no but seriously, i'm deficient, in many, if not most vitamins and essential nutrients so my healthier diet of cutting back on red meats and anything with MSG (which rules out most of sancta cooked food) in favour of fresh fruit and veggies albiet blended but at least i'm getting healthier.


but i shall not starve myself. in fact i'll continue happily eating what i want.. in moderation.

that's the word moderation. the word my mom goes on and on and on about, insisting my personality is too self indulgent.

so yes, we'll see how it goes.

wish me luck.
08:00

woke up with the most uncomfortable feeling in my chest cavity, feeling all the heat build up wrapping around me.
been up for slightly more than an hour. consolidated ishy's birthday present, followed by a quick tidy up of my room, brushing teeth and getting into the mindset of my assignments.

the gravity of my situation has sunk in an quite honestly, i'm getting stressed out as evident by my complexion. been thinking. i reckon my body, or at least my immune system, is starting to shut down.

week 1 of uni. i was still feeling the effects of a stomach upset from the raw egg in the chocolate mousse that was left out for too long. which culminated into tonsilitis and mild fever.

then week 4.
violent attack of food poisoning. spent significant part of the week throwing up and collapsing everywhere.

week 5
teethering on a minor break down cause of a whole array of factors.
sister was around, constantly invading my space and my neatly set system.
brain was being wrecked how thinking the best way to break the news to alexandra and the fact my sister refused to tell her when it was her responsibility and heaped it onto me.
had to do the invites for mother daughter event.
the stress of stalker that was making me very uncomfortable and overly anxious, he was not only harassing me but my sister whom i envy for being able to brush it off so casually.
but i was affected by stalker so much so that in the afternoon, i had to call ed cause i was on the verge of tears, was so overwhelmed by the fact that avoiding stalker i missed a substantial number of classes (which i'm regretting) then i didn't want to attend my tutorial which i ended up missing cause i was in bed trying to vent out my frustrations with tears but i couldn't and ended up being so emotionally drained from that.

i really do owe ed so much emotionally, he was on the phone reassuring me in a soft lilting voice trying to soothe my restless yet listless soul, while i drifted off to lalaland, sleeping it off. a whole chunk of his afternoon was spent patiently listening to me somewhat hysterically loading everything, even empathsized with me chatizaing myself for not knowing why i was feeling this, why couldn't i handle that...
he explained in such a comforting tone that no one is expected to be able to cope with everything that hits them, we're only human and it's understandable, in fact, a part of being human to experience all the conflicting emotions i was drowning under.

gosh the things he said were so sweet and selfless, knowing that i had him by my side during my minor breakdown really made all the difference and motivated me to not let this bog me down.

i really don't know what i would do without him.

thanks for everything kitty.
03:41

lets out a sigh for no reason in particular.

it's been a rather long day but the week seems to have drifted by in a messy haze which is my mind. i'm simply petrified of the weeks to come.

mon 23 april.
you all know what that means. the end of my carefree teen years or at least being able to use teenage folly as a convenient excuse for my still very immature behaviour.


4 days later, 27 april
submission of a very evil report (worth 30%) which i am still yet to take a serious look at.
the week has been insane, i missed 2 lectures trying to avoid you-know-who, he might as well be voldey (voldermort) - considering how whenever he, the source of all evil is around around, he just sucks all the happy energy and life out of me and i want to kill him but can't, so at least when the encounter is over i'm at least extremely grateful that it's over and that i came out relatively unscathed.
but tremble in sick anticipation knowing that soon enough he will appirate infront of me and the horrible cycle starts all over again.
see? doesn't that outline harry's experiences with voldey?



nipping hot on the heels of one evil report is another due on the 7th of may.
developmental. (35%)

shudders, say no more.


the merciless onslaught continues (it's arguable that it peaks with this since it's the heaviest weightage of all prac reports with a massive 40%) with social due on May 25th, icky stats.

small break sent by God.
patrizio, lovely lovely gift from God.

but not wanting to let me enjoy my patrizio induced dreamlike state i would walk for a week.. is learning.

please kill me now. wait.

kill me by this weekend so i don't have to deal with any assignments.

God help me.
03:28

best food i've ever had ranking

6. scallop creviche
5. funghi pizza and perscuitto with mozerella and god knows what other cheeses pizza from sydney's little italy
4. home cooked mee siam tied with homecooked chicken kuew teow soup with extra dried scallops
3. black label burny oysters LIVE
2. deep blue bistro's creamy truffle oil mash
1. wagyu burger from rockpool (neil perry) HANDSDOWN
18:56

philly just laughed at me for thinking that ioan gruffudd is immensely gorgeous. yes he IS mr fantastic (only fitting for him) from the fantastic 4 movie. derek was pretty much going what the hell when i was going all girly swooning when i brought ken and him to watch fantastic 4.
he was also in 102 dalmations, seen it yes yes? fine nevermind but how cute was he in it as the animal loving guy. ok 102 wasn't as quirky as the 1st one or even close to the original disney one but how can you not adore glenn close, i would elect her for vice-president anyday (reference to airforce one with also a rather dashing harrison ford.)

man, he's seriously wowser. think it's the strong resemblence to patrizio, minus the very roman imperator nose.
and he sings too!

ah..

i shall be off to stare at pictures of him.
22:01

went for macbeth.
had congee.
raided jen's shop.
found out about swan lake on this fri, sat and sun.

great night.
00:28

stupid what's his face.
kicked me out of the tutorial very unceremoniously, bet it's PMS. primitive male syndrome!
i looked at him wide eyed and confused as to what i should be doing right after he told me really curtly to leave his class.
why are you still here.... don't sit in my class you'll only be a redundant piece of driftwood.

i wanted to defend myself, saying that 2 days before i emailed him asking if i could attend his tutorial since my friends are in his tutorial and we would like to be grouped together for the social project. and i also wanted to say that i missed my tutorial the day before to go to his and would he at least just let me sit in for attendance sake.
but i held my tongue should i actually be able to be transferred to his class in the future and didn't want to jeopardize my group's grade.

noooooooooooooo he just had to be really mean.

then i stomped out of class not before shooting him a withering glare.

huffing down the steps outside education building i met ishy and bitched to her, then realised that my arms were covered in ewwwww hives and my right arm was starting to swell.
i must be allergic to what's his face.

so after keeping ishy entertained before her next class, i left for the uni clinic at holme building. heaved a sigh of relief when i realised that the waiting room was empty save for this 1 drew's girl. explaining my situation to the lady at the reception, i was aghast to be informed that they had a strict no walk in policy and the next available appointment would be next thursday.

it's really gay cause the doctor was just sitting in his office quite literally doing nothing and i pleaded for 5 mins to get a really quick consult cause the itching was getting from bad to worse. the red lumpy swollen patches were spreading, my right inner thigh was almost completely covered it the above muck. but nooooooooooooooooooo they had to be stupid and turn me away.

so fine i just returned to college fuming and the inefficiencies and unsympathetic nature of the 2. at lunch bitched to phil and vivien, both of which were vego-s. random fact. contemplated going to RPA but the estimated wait time was bout 3 hours and i couldn't be bothered.

returned to my room, looked through the office works catalogue.
read the history of the sopranos.
checked if anyone wanted any of the textbooks i had put up for sale on textbookexchange.
puttered around my room.

all of which to kill time before the social lecture. left college 10 to, but bumped into treen, vivien, lily, claire so from being 10 mins early for my lecture i was 15 mins late.
that's what you get for being in college.

when vivien enquired about my rashes i realised they were completely gone! my skin was back to it's pasty translucent state, as if nothing ever happened! was totally amazed.

lecture boring.
as usual.
oh and i couldn't help but check out you know who after wanker stood up momentarily in the lecture. goodness he really IS a dag. another gaping hole in his t shirt. no excuses bout extra ventilation or any of that nonsense.
ok i'm way way over him but i can still appreciate aesthetically pleasing objects now can't i.
ha.

went with jordon to officeworks, made fun of him as usual.
on the way back sammy and i saw 2 vespas (refer to pic). noticing that the license plate of one was THX 69 i pointed that out to her. but she was oblivious to the innuendo. explained it to which she went ewwww so anyway i took out my phone getting a snap of the 2 vespas when this guy walked past. imagine our disgust when we realised that the guy who was a dumpy version of a young bill gates was the owner of the said vespa bearing the very subtle lisence plate.

yay i finally put up my monet and did the corkboard so my room is one step closer to being very much a room with PIZZA! nooo not PIZ-ZA it's PEEEEEE-ZAZ.

nevermind. inside joke from foster's home for imaginary friends.
23:00

*yawns* lunch was the normal bad sancta sunday fare.
was trying to piece up the really strange dream i had last night while recounting it to sam, nikki and phil at the dining table.
basically, i was in my very early twenties (?) looking very gorgeous, slightly willowy frame but still tiny enough to look almost delicate.
my boyfriend wanted a breather from the relationship since the next step for us would have been him proposing. the reality of tying the knot to the same someone for the rest of your life is rather intimidating. i took it very calmly understanding where he was coming from. then he said he decided to take an overseas internship while considering what the best course of action would be. but left with the disclaimer, insinuating that he would come back and be totally prepared to settle down with moi for good.
so we parted on terms that wasn't exactly bad, just wasn't the most pleasant of possible ways.

later, after i had gotten over how annoyed and incredelous i was over his bout of temporarily cold feet. i was in an wonderous gorgeous park with bunnies (???????) and little ducklings, playing and feeding those cute little critters! wheee! with a bunch of darling little children under my charge. clad in my pretty pastel robin blue and white sundress, laughing having a great time. with the cutest bunny in my arms i whirled to show the children the little adorable ball of loveable fluff but i bumped right into this really strapping looker.
after gawking at him for a milisecond, broke into fit of giggles then we started talking and stuff. me going on about my love for bunnies, then we took a walk round the park with the little kiddies happily running about.
then fastfoward to when we had been going out for about 9 months, him being such an old school gentleman on dates yet was carefree, perfect balance between being a proper gentleman and a fun spirited all-cares-to-to-the-wind attitude.
only thing was he was somewhat sketchy about his past and family etc., but didn't bother me much since it's normal for guys to be reserved about themselves.

so after we were having a nice picnic he asked me to marry him and it took me completely by surprise.
i agreed despite it being a whirlwind courtship. right after he was 'right, ok let's go meet my parents', ha we got to whatever country he was from and to my rude shock he was the ruler of europe.

sidetract note: yes yes it's very grace kelly, and screams 'the prince and me' or very mary donaldson, but it was at least a year since i read or wacthed anything to do with either of the above. so i'm still triyng to figure out why i dreamt of it since dreams are a consolidation of recent thoughts and memories, both implicit and explicit. been raking my brains for the past 3 hours but i can't seem to account for any possible memories cues that might have triggered out such a dream.

after the revelation, he pulled me aside quitely and said he would understand if i reconsidered his proposal with all the realities of royal duties and the sacrifices one would have to make.
the stupid boyfriend at the sidelines issue didn't help with my decision.
on one hand there was this guy i've been going out with for bout 7 years, we practically expected to marry each other but look how he turned out to be mr-cold-feet but he we've been together for so long and have gotten through all the rough patches of a long-lasting relationship together.
so that was a mmuch better indicator of marriage life.
then the price guy, it was a whirlwind romance we hadn't any experience of arguements or anything, at 9 months we were still riding the honeymoon part of a relationship. i had no bad scrapes to base our future together on.

so i was at crossroads for that.

didn't help that his mom was bit of those sterotypical control freak that disapproved of many things. but at times she was really nice to me as i was the daughter she never had (he had 3 brothers) but she could easily switch between personas when necessary which i found to be quite unnerving.

in the end it was very princess diaries, so i told him that i was sticking with him (since the stupid boyfriend who knew about my situation didn't want to come and help with my decision making).

then he bought me a pretty little farm and cottage (ok now it's sounding very marie antionette, p.s i can't spell for nuts)
and had lots of cute animals, like plenty of bunnies, swans, and horses, dogs, several kittens, and whole bunch of other animals.. oh oh and a cockatoo!

had several kiddies and thankfully when they grew up they were NORMAL. non parental hating, non serial killer type kids.
13:11

why won't anyone take me seriously when i say i want to be a museum curator!!
20:59

rave rave rave rave rave..

giving muse rave reviews!
11:59

i know it's a bit late but how much am i in love with MUSE!
11:08

ugh, i'm feeling so gross.
i might as well have drunk a whole cup of oil straight up having eaten oyster omelette last night.
that upon the 3 shallow friend soaking-like-icky-oily-sponges-in-oil hashbrowns i've been having for breakfast everyday for the past 2 weeks.

ewwwwwwwwwwww

i feel the oil ooooooooooooooooozing out of my pores. no wonder i'm breaking out.


ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

oil.
11:18

Coolies. Alexandra is coming over tonight. YAY!
Lucky her has the honour of being the first friend to ever stayover.. ahem officially that is. Haha. Unofficial visits are so much more fun. HEHE!

She should be arriving around dinner time so mom’s flustered that I didn’t tell her earlier cause tonight was meant to be a simple meal. Hmmm maybe I should call mom and inform her that dinner doesn’t have to be an extravagant affair cause I’ll be bringing her to the Marina Bay area tonight to zou zou (walk walk) then to Newton! Gosh so much Sinagporean delights, I don’t know what I should be stuffing her with.
I reckon at newtown - carrot cake, stingray (tho it impaled her national icon right in the heart), dao hui tho i think you can't get it at this time of the night, rojak consisting only of you tiao and sotong (cuttlefish)

Ok there’s laksa (probably the one at Queenstown), xiao long bao at crystal jade, anymore suggestions?

Anyway, spent bout an hour or two planning her itinerary, shifting through visitsingapore.com for tours, red lantern tour sounds very interesting. Like the name suggests red light district! It’s "a heartlander" tour hahaha reminds me of the Hossan Leong play yesterday however when he was this ah qua/bapok (gay sissy man) exercise trainer named Richard Semens with his mop of curly blonde brown corkscrews, clad in loose electric blue basketball shirt, white shorts and stripy orange and white leg warmers with matching sweatband.
done in a gay voice
when you meet like the fishball noodle seller the "heartlander" which means "smelly" you... shake his hand then look away.
now shake his hand and look away.

you have to watch the play. now i shall do a plug for the show.

go and watch hossan leong's multiple personality disorder currently showing at the drama centre of the national library from today onwards till 10th feb. everyday at 8pm with an extra show at 3pm on weekends. tickets are priced at 20, 35 or 50.

it's super highly recommended if you especially enjoy the works of mr miyagi who wrote the entire show himself, paraodies of celebrities via the songs that made them in/famous all while taking a dig at the singaporean government zealous mission of attracting foreign talent.

here nothing is sacred, it's a fabulous play. very entertaining.
in fact it's my first local play which i'm gonna bring alexandra to as soon as i can fit it in her schedule.

i've veered off topic, but that's not really a surprise when it comes to me so i'll continue later cause i feel like falling asleep right now. good grief it's 5 YAY an hour 15 mins more to go then i can go home!

darn i have to entertain my guest. but i want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
16:18

gosh the last entry was slightly more than a month ago! and that was pretty crap one.
not to say that you becoming 2LT is anything short of an massive accomplishment not to mention being sword of honour!!

at this point in time,
i've..

been to bangkok with the family, they left for shanghai whilst i stayed in bangkok with the visudharoms (man i can't believe i'm related and still can't get the spelling right) for additional 2 days.

came back for ed's comms ball!
it was the best fun i ever had.. no not so much the ball, it was spending wondorous quality time with him.
cooked my speciality.. mushroom soup, clam chowder, pizza!
he would argue that it's ALL i can cook, but this professional caterer would beg to differ!

so we went shopping.. blah blah blah, you can actually read it up on his blog lexophilia.blogspot.com i don't want to repeat what's already been said, so much more productive to add ON to it.

gosh he was so cute at his ball, dashing and suave. like a young pierce brosnan, so stately and looking ever so delish! ok i'll stop it already.

so glad that the first time i wore my marc jacobs military pea coat was to something so special to him. it was such a thrill to be able to meet all the guys i've been hearing so much about, robin much more so than others. literally. everytime i call ed i would hear robin's out of tune/off pitch falsetto in the background, still it isn't as bad as my mom.

and samuel who was very charming, kept posing around with his hand in his pocket, i so badly wanted to scream out or at least get ed to rib him playfully with..
confucious say.. man with hand in pocket feels cocky.

ed laughed and kept swatting me away as i was so persistent.

the whole night was great, got on splendidly with the girls at my table. around them i felt kinda plain looking cause the girls looked astounding. ed couldn't stop staring at kohzy's date's hair, wish i didn't get make up nor my hair done, cause that's what ed would prefer. not to mention i would have saved 70 plus. oh well what to do. i'll post the pictures of the comm's ball up if possible but i'm going to just rip it off ed's blog.

christmas eve.
slept for less than 4 hrs then it was off to the airport, was kinda freakin out when i couldn't get a cab when it was slightly more than an hr before my flight.
got to the airport titchy bit angry at ed for making a mountain out of a molehill of how long it took him to get a cab.

at changi, everything was all great until i was told that my flight to bangkok was delayed by 2 hrs thus i would miss my connecting flight in bkk to shanghai, so thai airways offered me an alternative, they would give me a direct flight straight to shanghai via MU eastern airlines.
bought uncle rod 2 boxes of cigarettes for xiao rong then procedded to the boarding room. then as i was getting onto the plane, they pulled me aside and told me that my ticket wasn't valid since a transfer of airlines needed validation from the MU side and MU wasn't gonna give me one until several hours later.
i pulled the whole innocent puppy dog eyed look on them but they wouldn't budge without the go ahead from the stupid airline validating whatever.
Ok so I’ll try to explain what little I know about the situation.
I had an electronic ticket along with my paper ticket my family had been issued, so thai airways gave me a MU boarding pass. However on the MU side, since my ticket was electronic and the changes were not on the paper ticket itself, it wouldn’t validate that my ticket was an authentic one in spite of the thai airways staff practically swearing on my behalf that it was.

So MU ground staff pulled me off the flight and I had to trek all around the airport change to settle the cigarettes cause they were bought from duty free and I couldn’t bring it into Singapore unless I wanted to pay like a gazillion dollars in tax.
To cut the story short.. well shorter.. I was given a later flight, great I would be spending Christmas eve in transit. Bloody hell I would be missing the most important dinner of the year! It’s a tradition the extended family has shared ever since I can rememeber and I was heartbroken that this was the first time that the entire family could be together and I would be missing the dinner!

To make matters worse, I didn’t even have enough cash to take the train home! So exchanged RMB and some aussie dollar for the cab ride from and to the airport.
Called ed totally distraught hoping we could meet for a while later, very unfortunately he had family activities planned so that was not possible and I went home with my Christmas hopes and spirits totally dashed.
Returned home at around 130, talked to veerapan for a bit since his last day would be 31 dec.

Had a tiring day, been up since 6 with barely 4 hrs of sleep, so changed out and konked out in bed. Sleep deprivation teamed with exhaustion trumped grumbling stomach .I got really upset and emotional having to return to an empty house even more so when just days before I had had the best days of my life. Just last night ed and I were cuddling to sleep, and now I’m so alone!!!!!!!!!

Alright I’m being a tad over melodramatic but I really enjoyed our domestic times together. Empty house and bed not the best of combinations. I miss my kitty so so much.
Was woken up by a call from ed at about 4, he felt bad that he couldn’t come over so consolation was a nice long phone call. Barely 2 mins into the conversation, the doorbell started ringing furiously. Wonder who that could be, reckon it was Joshua my brother’s friend, but didn’t I tell him that Derek would only be back in time for school?
Told ed I would call him back and went to answer the door.

Lo and behold, it was ed!!!!!! Was totally in shock, wondering if I was still sleeping and this was some fantastic dream which would only have broken my heart further when I woke up...
So later in my room when I was still gushing and just giving him long hugs he thought I was crying. I guess I was so overwhelmed by the culmination of the day’s events, the lovely surprise and his sheer presence on my door step that I did end up crying. I’m such a pansy!

We spent time cuddling in bed, talking every now and then but mostly enjoying each other’s presence in comfortable silence. I think it’s remarkable when you can reach a stage where you can just be in the presence of that someone not having to say a word without the situation becoming awkward.

Sigh time simply passes too fast when you’re having fun. Clichés DO say it best.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. The whole lot. But those two phrases convey what we were feeling. So we took a cab together, dropped him off at his sister’s place for an extended family dinner and had a nice uneventful flight.

I’ll continue the rest later, I’m sorry this was meant to be a recap, as in SUMMARY SANDRA! Not a long grandmother’s story.
Believe it or not, I left out a lot of details but I suppose it’s the gist with just enough for you to really know what an amazing guy ed is.

I love my kitty.
11:06

i'm so proud of you 2nd LT officer!
00:13

was reading up on the history of the british royal family as a form of procrastination, after fiona white placed princess mary's picture under 'fortuitous events'.

since the beginning of the year after we borrowed martini glasses from perla (refered to as salisbury rob so as to avoid confusion with the other paulines named rob such as doctor rob, hobo rob etc)
i kept trying to place my finger on why perla looked so familiar then i realised that he bears a striking resemblence to prince william.
i'll try digging up photos of perla so you all can see that i'm not delusional, oh prince william looks really good in the picture of him on wikipedia and another one of him on with harry on harry's 'profile'.

i'm not one of those really whacked princess diana conspriacy theorists but seriously you can't have that great a looking kid with i-wish-i-was-your-tampon.
21:22



Cattell's 16 Factor Key
Factor low score high score
Warmth cold, selfish supportive, comforting
Intellect instinctive, unstable cerebral, analytical
Emotional Stability irritable, moody level headed, calm
Aggressiveness modest, docile controlling, tough
Liveliness somber, restrained wild, fun loving
Dutifulness untraditional, rebellious somewhat conforming, traditional
Social Assertiveness shy, withdrawn uninhibited, bold
Sensitivity coarse, tough touchy, soft
Paranoia trusting, easy going wary, suspicious
Abstractness practical, regular strange, imaginative
Openmindedness closeminded, set-in-ways curious, exploratory
Perfectionism disorganized, messy orderly, thorough
Tension stressed, unsatisfied relaxed, cool

01:32

great the only day of the week that it's raining and i'm actually up.

doing what? listening to vicin' o' mare right now, the rain outside really accompanies faint sounds of the waves in the song i tried accessing the lecture recordings and notes online but apparently i've run out of credit, i've had 13 since tuesday and it's barely friday morning.

reckon it must be cause of philly's insane usage of facebook which like anyother networking site burns up internet credit like nobody's business even more so when you've been uploading your own pics and acessing other's pages crammed with photos.

can you say burning up extro account funds?


to comfort myself for being the unproductive git i am, i'll put up a rough study time table now.

friday
late morning - cognition
afternoon - cognitionnight - cognition

sat
late morning - social
afternoon - social
night - social

sun
late morning - developmental
late afternoon - bio
night - bio

mon - bio
morning - bio
afternoon - bio
night - bio

TUESDAY DIE! bio exam at 9am, YAY at mc larin hall.

tues after bio exam and wed - frantic cramming of cognition and social

THURSDAY morning still cramming for exam at 1.50 t PNR building which is so freaking far away seriously. that's just plain mean.

to think anymore about next week i'll just die so i'm not going to.

bet i'll be super unproductive today, esp jen's coming over.

where's my self control!!!!!

ARGH ARGH ARGH!!
11:03

heard from renee that ellie might possibly not be coming back to college next year, so i was left pondering about who was to replace her as cultural secretary.

possibly me?

there's 3 positions avaible for next year.

1. fund raising secretary
   but i rather it be more along the lines of charity work instead of raising more alcohol money for us to only end up throwing everything up at the end of the night
   
2. food secretary which i have been eyeing since the end of last year, come on how perfect would i be for it? i eat crap loads tho it seems most of the time it isn't sancta food. but still.. when i considering running for cultural secretary philly nd ishy vehemently protested against the idea, going on about how blashemous for me not to be food sec.
   
3. cultural slot which could very possibly be free for me next year.
   come on admit it, how cultured am i. seriously am i not one of the most cultured people you've ever met? no? darn..
   but really i am!
   
   i did art history and AEP for 4 years, had higher art award
   received an offer to exhibit my work
   currently working in the uni art collection gallery - which is one stepping stone closer to me getting my ultimate dream job of museum curator in europe
   my room is filled with all my drawings
   i was part of the cultural and liturgical comm
   i could name almost every single art work in vince's place
   everyone says i'm so artsy
   considering doing a double degree of european art history in 2 years time WHEN i get my psyc honours
   i so appreciate european culture
   i listen to patrizio and other italian music!!
   i'm learning italian and latin
   for fun and procratination, i draw
   i ogle at art history books
   all my blogs have been named or influenced by art works
   i want to take a year off and travel europe, mostly rome and italy.
   i'm taking ancient history
   i want to learn how to proper slow dance and waltz (tango too!)
   i like the ballet, and like ballet
   i like the opera well only madame butterfly and figaro.
   

blah blah blah see, haven't i proved my point??

00:34

very unproductive week it has been.

friday
spent sleeping after the relatively big night at the sals, 145am congee & constantinople (istnabul) pizza run then checking out my personal eye candy

saturday
more sleeping till 3am then got ready for jen's caterin job
catering
had a brilliant chat with tyler at jen's shop

sunday
on the phone with sammy for almost 2 hrs
spent 40 mins trying to unknot my hair
watched sam show us around the messed up sim's house where the 3 nerds got impregnated by aliens and who cry for comfrot. hilarous.

monday
sleeping, doing ancient history journal
totally forgot about daylight savings so i went to a closed sophi office suhc a waste of my life
had a veronica mars marathon, well it was only 3 episodes exclusing one i had already watched
read up on veronica mars

tuesday
- extremely disrupted sleep from my snooze button that goes off for every 9 mins for the past 2 and a half hours
- crappy tuesday lunch
- uni museum work again satyed till quater past 5 cause i was a bit late and it was louise in charge instead of katie.
- bought a deck of cards for charles but it was mostly for my own warped amusement, don't think he'll get the joke significance of it but still. he wasn't in tho, his neighbour well 3 doors down anyway said he was in canberra for stuvac.
-popped by mike's room for a gossip but he already knew the 'hot news' i had about the girls' he's been with damn it, so anti climatic but he was touched by me trekking all the way to pauls just to break the news to him. which he already knew damn it!
feeling bad for making him miss dinner which ends at 630 seriously that's stupid, why would it end so early.
-nandos was calsed couldn't be bothere to actually get proper food to eat so i just broke into my stash of emergency food.
-spent the rest of the night with sammy planning out our rooms for next yeat since the draw list was going down at midnight.
18:09

i'm just feeling a twinge of sadness bout how next year is going to turn out at college.

most of the paulines i know are graduating thus this would be the last couple of times i get to hang out with them, which is such a pity after getting to know such great guys.
and it's always the end of year when you're wondering if your friends would be returning next year, it's all nice being in this state of ignorane happy bliss where you don't have to worry if your group of friends are depleting.

the whole fear of the unknown.

hopefully i'll be a great senior next year, and even more hopefully i'll get kath hubbard's room which i'm really eyeing at the moment. but on the whole it's spacious enough to put in an extra desk, sofa and the whole lot. cupboard space is GREATLY reduced.

where am i gonna put all my clothes/shoes???!!

haha such a sandra thing to worry about.

so many disadvantages of quad side room,
1. you tend to get all the noise from the quad obviously. the acoustics of the place is simply amazing every small sound is amplified, i would have thought the sandstone interior would have absorbed the noise but that doesn't seem to be the case.

2. unfortunately it's facing in so there goes the morning sunrises and gorgeous morning sunshine streaming through the windows, i've really grown so fond off it.
i really can't help being all sentimental but i do feel all sad.

i won't be getting any morning OR afternoon sun being in west. consolation sandy, western roman empire!


2b. another issue about it facing in, i'll be deprived of all the nudie runs!!! i want to be on the forefront of such important intercol issues!

2c. i can't leave my windows open at night lest there be people leering/perving at moi.

perks of moving into kath's room next year.

it's so pretty!

that's about it. ha but it's not really considered cause its how she does it up.
well but i'm still really pro north 202/=.

so so so so hope i get it man
03:00

clearly the thing works but it took i reckon about a week to be 'google-able', so be patient
so anyway i'm making some revisions to it.
btw ignore the previous one dated the 21st of this month, i'm just leaving it there so i don't have to go through the whole one week++ time lapse before our names can be googled.

most generic terms applicable for all of us.

sancta sophia college, sydney university, usyd, 2005 2006, B.R.A BRA beware running amazionians, occult, sophs, hot paulines, procrastination, sals, formals, informals, paul's,

now to the general specifics

jennifer walpole
twin, freak show, psychic connection, arts degree, graduate class 2006, thai, japanese, asain studies, whip, establishment, stripper, cult leader, randwick girls, bobby robert desmond catterall (sp?), severed buddah head, alcohol, red bull, extravagant spender, tuxedo shirts, teacup catering, pontip asian grocery shop, naked pauline.

philippa crowter
veterinary vet science, animals, eurasian, hong kong, chinese international school, british citizen, freak of nature back, philly, vegetarian, catering, nick 'he counts' dunford, lin-bin, wilting wallflower (she wanted it in here!)

samantha siripol
physiology, psychology, immunolgy, advance bachelor of science degree, canberra, canberra grammar girls school, parliment house, crazy cat lady, cats, chaser, jordan, harlot.

sandra ho
psychology, ancient history, latin, human biology, italian, art history, petite, art museum, eating, ballet, patrizio buanne, singapore, crazy singing, CHIJ, IJ, AEP, sailing, lazy, catering, beer.

that's all for now i reckon, got to get started on my ancient history revision. have to cover 150-800AD. 650 painful years of convulated details.
22:09