quite upset, just flipped through photo album after photo album of singaporean girls.

it's utterly depressing when 98% of them are stick thin (the other 2% actually HAVE boobs)

kinda related: when ed saw me on tues, he kept asking why do you only wear sporty-esqe and somewhat more revealing (as in racerback sports top) in australia instead of singapore?

it's cause in singapore, all the girls are sticks but in australia, I"M the stick. so i don't have as much of a weight issue as i do when surronded by stick insects in singapore.


anyhoo some might say it's hypocritical of me (since i'm COMPARITIVELY thinner than most aussie girls) to be applauding madrid fashion show's for implementing a ban on models who are GROSSLY GROSSLY underweight, hello??!
those in concentration camps had more meat on their bones than some of these girls.

and i told myself! you know what ..?

i'm PROUD (quite) of my body/shape (not so happy about the extra winter padding) so heck being thin, people here compliment me on being lithe (well that was LAST year when i was 4kg lighter) but still..!

so as a reasonable resolution i'm going to;

- not eat chocolates, well too much anyway. exception when i am insanely stressed.
- not eat rubbish candy
- reduce the amount of sugar in my tea
- only eat things worth my eating. that is and has been my new mantra since melbourne.
- drink water alot cause it cleanses my icky internal system
- eat more cherry tomatoes or any semblence of veggies. which i am glad to say i have been sticking to rather religiously. 15 a day - blended to a thick pulp and immediately gulped down to retain the vitamin C and fibre. i would usually eat them whole but for some strange reason the past couple of batches have been rather sour.


if it's any consolation, i don't..
drink
consume chips or any junk food
consume caffine

i don't eat unhealthy food, it's just that i don't eat really healthy food.


but anyway i'm taking this drastic action mostly cause it's beyond disgusting/repulsive/horrific that i can actually grab HANDFULS of my sides and stomach! damn all the winter padding and padding courtesy of melb, what's worse is that patrizio's concerts are coming up and i have to at least not be dumpy.

so besides the crisis of WHAT TO WEAR!
i'm experiencing an OMG I"M SO FREAKING PUDGY IT"S NO LONGER FUNNY!
as such i shall be cruel to myself and walk around my room in barely anything infront of the full length mirror so i shall be more motivated to excercise or at least work out on helping the grotesque thing called my tummy.


no but seriously, i'm deficient, in many, if not most vitamins and essential nutrients so my healthier diet of cutting back on red meats and anything with MSG (which rules out most of sancta cooked food) in favour of fresh fruit and veggies albiet blended but at least i'm getting healthier.


but i shall not starve myself. in fact i'll continue happily eating what i want.. in moderation.

that's the word moderation. the word my mom goes on and on and on about, insisting my personality is too self indulgent.

so yes, we'll see how it goes.

wish me luck.
08:00

woke up with the most uncomfortable feeling in my chest cavity, feeling all the heat build up wrapping around me.
been up for slightly more than an hour. consolidated ishy's birthday present, followed by a quick tidy up of my room, brushing teeth and getting into the mindset of my assignments.

the gravity of my situation has sunk in an quite honestly, i'm getting stressed out as evident by my complexion. been thinking. i reckon my body, or at least my immune system, is starting to shut down.

week 1 of uni. i was still feeling the effects of a stomach upset from the raw egg in the chocolate mousse that was left out for too long. which culminated into tonsilitis and mild fever.

then week 4.
violent attack of food poisoning. spent significant part of the week throwing up and collapsing everywhere.

week 5
teethering on a minor break down cause of a whole array of factors.
sister was around, constantly invading my space and my neatly set system.
brain was being wrecked how thinking the best way to break the news to alexandra and the fact my sister refused to tell her when it was her responsibility and heaped it onto me.
had to do the invites for mother daughter event.
the stress of stalker that was making me very uncomfortable and overly anxious, he was not only harassing me but my sister whom i envy for being able to brush it off so casually.
but i was affected by stalker so much so that in the afternoon, i had to call ed cause i was on the verge of tears, was so overwhelmed by the fact that avoiding stalker i missed a substantial number of classes (which i'm regretting) then i didn't want to attend my tutorial which i ended up missing cause i was in bed trying to vent out my frustrations with tears but i couldn't and ended up being so emotionally drained from that.

i really do owe ed so much emotionally, he was on the phone reassuring me in a soft lilting voice trying to soothe my restless yet listless soul, while i drifted off to lalaland, sleeping it off. a whole chunk of his afternoon was spent patiently listening to me somewhat hysterically loading everything, even empathsized with me chatizaing myself for not knowing why i was feeling this, why couldn't i handle that...
he explained in such a comforting tone that no one is expected to be able to cope with everything that hits them, we're only human and it's understandable, in fact, a part of being human to experience all the conflicting emotions i was drowning under.

gosh the things he said were so sweet and selfless, knowing that i had him by my side during my minor breakdown really made all the difference and motivated me to not let this bog me down.

i really don't know what i would do without him.

thanks for everything kitty.
03:41

lets out a sigh for no reason in particular.

it's been a rather long day but the week seems to have drifted by in a messy haze which is my mind. i'm simply petrified of the weeks to come.

mon 23 april.
you all know what that means. the end of my carefree teen years or at least being able to use teenage folly as a convenient excuse for my still very immature behaviour.


4 days later, 27 april
submission of a very evil report (worth 30%) which i am still yet to take a serious look at.
the week has been insane, i missed 2 lectures trying to avoid you-know-who, he might as well be voldey (voldermort) - considering how whenever he, the source of all evil is around around, he just sucks all the happy energy and life out of me and i want to kill him but can't, so at least when the encounter is over i'm at least extremely grateful that it's over and that i came out relatively unscathed.
but tremble in sick anticipation knowing that soon enough he will appirate infront of me and the horrible cycle starts all over again.
see? doesn't that outline harry's experiences with voldey?



nipping hot on the heels of one evil report is another due on the 7th of may.
developmental. (35%)

shudders, say no more.


the merciless onslaught continues (it's arguable that it peaks with this since it's the heaviest weightage of all prac reports with a massive 40%) with social due on May 25th, icky stats.

small break sent by God.
patrizio, lovely lovely gift from God.

but not wanting to let me enjoy my patrizio induced dreamlike state i would walk for a week.. is learning.

please kill me now. wait.

kill me by this weekend so i don't have to deal with any assignments.

God help me.
03:28

best food i've ever had ranking

6. scallop creviche
5. funghi pizza and perscuitto with mozerella and god knows what other cheeses pizza from sydney's little italy
4. home cooked mee siam tied with homecooked chicken kuew teow soup with extra dried scallops
3. black label burny oysters LIVE
2. deep blue bistro's creamy truffle oil mash
1. wagyu burger from rockpool (neil perry) HANDSDOWN
18:56