the past 3 days have been very hard for me to say the least.
after swinging on the pendulum between overwhelming sadness, regret, immense sorrow, self directed anger and the numbness, i've tried pulling myself together but it's been so difficult.
getting out of bed was a chore. this morning when i woke up, for a fleeting moment i thought, aw damn it i'm alive, now i have to face another day of living heartache. then i proceeded to just lie in bed wishing that everything would just end.
i've got 11 more days to get over the urge to burst into tears during lectures if not the overliberal DSM IV would have me diagnosed with clinical depression. i'm all listless, and when i blank out during feeble attempts at studying, it's quite startling to discover that they are almost for an hour at a time. so before i knew it my weekend was gone, just like that. in a hazy of conflicting and compounding feelings.
i'm so tired yet i can't sleep, but i forced myself to get out of bed to cheer myself up even if i was not gonna be productive at all.
so lugged myself down to newtown to just get myself surrounded by books. books, museum, flowers, happy novelty items usually hit the spot in the lifting my spirirts department. even if only for a short while. but it's better than nothing.

in my hazy state i was inexplicably drawn to the florist, it was so beautiful and calming to be enveloped by lush colourful lively flowers. it was then i decided that i should get a potted plant to keep me company, just because i'm single, doesn't mean i have to be alone. potted flowers always bring me the fond memory of my grand dad gardening and the afternoons where we would spend in the brilliant sunshine. so it was some comfort and solace in getting a simple white cyclamen plant.
the more vibrant coloured ones seemed somewhat vulgar in contrast to my current mood, so an elegant white flowering plant was just the thing. the smooth unblemished pristine white petals just demanding so much delicate love and handling. it's a small consolation for me to channel those very same affectionate actions to.

i can barely keep my thoughts in a coherent fashion. so tired but when i'm in bed, just thoughts of being alone and knowing that i probably did lose "the one" due to my wistful folly, keep me awake.
my mind can be so cruel, unintentionally i'm hoping. cause i don't know how much more of all our quiet heartfelt domestic or intimate moments being replayed in my dreams, then having nightmarish scenes of distorted reality spliced into the scene, causing me to jerk awake and being deprived of the ability to drift back into peaceful sleep.

i'm really sorry kitty. i really do hope we can work things out.
21:36

ok it's friday (ie day 6) and still no smses or calls or anything. still no idea what he's playing at.
like i started off with last entry i've had plenty of time to think about it then i came up with a possible explaination into his behaviour.

despite him citing that he wants everything to work out in the long term he has major reservations about the situation in 3 years time with balancing airforce training, me, our relationship and that big gapping hole.
he constantly brings it up over and over and over and over again, to the point of sounding like a skipping record, the all possible (and also improbably) permutations and combinations featuring the what ifs of those said factors.
so much so that he's unconsciously starting to act on the uncertainty of the situational factors.
by trying to assert whatever last remaining vestige of control he perceives himself to possess on the only factor he has any say in. our relationship.

so now he's unconsciously (or perhaps i give him too much credit) working on/against our relationship knowing full well that whenever there is silence (hence perceived distance) between us for long periods of time i start getting numb. God, learning and behaviour principles really are the basis of our actions. so now without any reinforcement of contact between us, my conditioned responses of being optimistic and feelings towards about our relationship is being slowly and (very sadly) surely extinguished.
and he knows that. so he's using that against me.

the whole communication silence if done intentionally is quite possibly one of the most dispicable things he could inflict. just the long silence reminds drudges up old unwanted memories of having to endure months of hanging onto a thread with no emails, no smses, no messages, nothing, all at the time when i was at my most vulnerable emotionally.



i reckon he wants me to initate some sort of invitation for an 'open relationship'.
why do i think this way you ask?

many reasons,
firstly he's been criticisizing and bringing up the shortcomings of vann's relationship saying that she's incapable of emotional consideration for others only thinking of herself otherwise why would she date the sad sod of her current squeeze just for her own emotional gratification of having a boyfriend but (not so) secretly pining for her ex. while the sad bugger continues to blindly pursue a one sided love relationship.
bringing vann up once or twice is alright but not almost every fifth conversation. not only that but his constant whinges of how airforce pilots always break up with their girlfriends, blah blah we won't be an exception, blah blah blah, even the guy who has been in a 4 year relationship couldn't avoid the curse, blah blah blah blah blah.
all this inspite of all my heartfelt reassurances that we'll work out.
so it's very clear that his resistance to even consider that there is truth in my reassurances reflects his own unconscious wish for him to be single so he can start fulfilling all his short term gratification.


just surpised that it took me so long to see that.

so his repressed thoughts start manifesting themselves in his petulant stance in not wanting to call or make contact for a long enough time so that i start feeling desensitized to our relationship then hopefully retailate to his behaviour and getting all worked up with my reknowned temper then in the process give him what he wants. an open invitation for an open relationship.
which is one hell of a selfish thing cause i'm not going to bend over and let myself get screwed if that's the case.

i know it's all sweet, romantic, wistful, sentimental waiting for your sweetheart at the end of the day then spending the rest of your lives with them. but it's superficial and quite frankly insulting when they pretend to be all magnanimous and say oh here's permission to see someone else, knowing that their property (ie you) are all safe knowing full well that you won't go off galavanting with randoms upon receving the open invite while they take the advantage.
it's bloody hypocritical and double standard at it's best (or worst, whichever way you look at it).

cause it is within my character to cut off the nose to spite the face. i'll regret it later on but the pull of self destructive satisfaction of my actions at that moment is always there to egg me on.

so hopefully i pray that the above thoughts are just over channelling stupid freudian psychoanalysis. but i have a nagging suspicion that it isn't the case.

please tell me i'm wrong
18:07

last entry was pretty bleah come to think of it.. in short it's basically the annoying nagging voice that pops into my head whenever i'm having doubts about me, about my relationship and what is expected of me. and it also emerges when i'm jaded and annoyed with you know who you are.
but anyway that mindset is more the exception than my normal mindset of being optimistic, thinking and hoping like hell that everything works out.
minus the time i spend thinking "i really should be doing stats" (but right now i'm having this mild headache which i reckon comes from breathing all the fumes from long periods of colouring with permanent markers)
i just had quite a while to think this week with 4 days of not hearing a squeak from him. still a mystery why that's so. by yesterday morning i was thinking he better be dead or dying otherwise he doesn't have a good enough reason not to have made contact for so long. *shifty eye look* i know he's alive cause he's blatantly using facebook to mutual friends so it pops up in my mini feed. so now i'm extremely suss.
asked sammy on her opinion on that, she agrees it's weird but in spite of our usually very creative and productive brainstorming we couldn't churn out any plausible reasons for such behaviour. i really don't know what he's playing at and it used to bug me but now i'm pretty much getting over it.
15:05

quite possibly for the very first time i truly feel like a responsible older sister to derek. last night i was helping him sort through possible subject combinations figuring it out with the subjects he likes, his strength and weaknesses.
it was quite a thrilling experience to be a good role model for derek.
it was also very sweet and exciting when he was sharing personal things about himself and his current love life. for a moment there i was thinking in my head hey wait, at sec 2 aren't you a bit young to pursuing a relationship? then i remembered that i was only a year older than him when i started one, which at that point i didn't really know the extent of how serious it would turn out. well 5 years since then i'm still in that very relationship.
somehow reflecting upon it, my first (read:only) relationship being 5 years and still going really does hold alot of implications for further personal dev several years down the road. if it doesn't work out, i'm stuffed to put it nicely.
with the said relationship being the template for future ones (if any) it's gonna be very hard to deviate from the mold, which agrees with my mom's view on this current relationship and scarily enough despite my mom's relational advice being whacked, it's actually extremely intuitive as nessy and i discovered.
but like she advised ness using me as an example, i'm really limiting myself to other choices which surely enough would ring through if everything doesn't work out.
man that's really intimidating just thinking about it.

anyhoo i'm going to get ready for class now. i'll continue this rambly bit later
08:14

got this amazingly wonderful email from derek. such a great email that i have to share it.
really heartfelt hilarious way that describes my brother... as you can see bad spelling runs in the family.

mom ask me to type as im her hired secretary , she just came back from holy hour and is full of delicious items. she so cheap only da BAo 4 dumpling for me, so called my favourite . SO CHEAP!!! and never even get more!!!!
ness spent her bday out , breakfast dad , lunch friend and night for some gym concerthingy of dooom!!!

timothy ,theodores bro ,mathhews son and old 7am mass alter server , just in case u dunno him, quit RAF(royal air force)apparently they gave him a choice , he said that training was tough and laborious and ended up wating mageemee all the time and hes goin to australia to study (uwa) and may most probaly join sia (accept them only 25 years old).

thats all for now shes overbloated bein her usual piggy gluttony self. and me goin regatta tmr .
thank you for tuning into BBC news. pls watch us at 10 tmr to get updates on reggatta results.
and moms bein lame at the moment making me call bbc ddc , somnrthin like derek dad news or dead derek broadcasting
. sooooooooooooo laaaaaaammmmmmmeeeeeeee!!!!
and wiwi forever!!


fantastic email isn't it? i just adore him.
01:11