so here's the lowdown on my last patrizio concert the 28th.

patrizio recounted what had happened during his melbourne performance (either the 13th or 14th of may), he met the children he had up on stage to accompany him to l'italiano last year, later he was pulled aside by the children's grandmother and was told that the father of one child, carla was involved in an accident and passed away on the 11th, just several days before. her father and her were passionate fans of patrizio and she requested un angelo to be played at his funeral cause she 'believes in angels'.

he continued stating how difficult it was for him to express his emotions of grief, deep sorrow and admiration for her, being a small child of around 10 losing her father so suddenly, unexpectedly and before his concert which they were looking forward to.
he felt her pain having lost his beloved father to virulent cancer at the age of 17.
so he called her up to the stagehe and proceeded to dedicate un angelo (the italian version of robbie william's angels) to carla's father , pulling up the bar stool for her to sit while he gave the most genuine heartfelt passionate rendition of un angelo, all the while you could see carla wiping her tears away with her sleeve. patrizio just pressing her head to his chest and stroking her hair, hugging her whenever tears started streaming down.
i too was on the verge of tears knowing that while he was singing that song, he was closing his eyes envisioning his father, and feeling him near - the reason as to why he's doing what he's doing.
it's all for his father.

with the deep baritone voice hauntingly fills the air, i could just imagine that for carla, her father was there with her too. it was easily the most honest and heart wrenching thing i've ever witnessed.

after the last notes faded into the heavy atmosphere, he knelt down and hugged her so tight whispering words of comfort while she was crying on his shoulder, my heart really went out to her having seen her small body heave with her violent sobbing.

the appaluse resounded, with the audience sniffing and wiping away their own tears.

his stage presence and the emotions, the soul he puts behind his music is so amazing that he could move the audience to tears. for several songs after that the mood was rather sombre, might as well since it was followed by the rather smary duet of let's make love. (phil groaned when she heard the song's title, i honestly can't blame her. i cringed when silvie paladino came out on stage and proceeded with googling eyes and even more smary touchy feely happenings going on stage to accompany the lyrics. ick)

so anyway, i scoffed at the fans waiting at the backstage carpark exit, hearing the fans hypothesize what sort of car he'll come out in. i just waited at the reception area, not out in the cold as the mindless fans did. and why?

2 main logical reasons why i didn't join them in their outdoor vigil by the carpark exit.

it's the last night of his show people.

so obviously he'll be packing up, changing, resting, talking to the australian stage crew, thanking whoever, saying fareweels, exchanging contacts and getting ready so it'll be at least an hour after the end of his show before he leaves the theatre. so no point waiting out in the cold for nothing.

another reason is that he wouldn't be driven out in some fancy black mercedes benz or bmw with tinted windows. he's such a down to earth guy, i imagine rather egalitarian with his upbringing and he'll most likely join his band in the charterted vans, so they would have more time to talk anyway.

so it was quite sad to see 40 year old women with more combined botox in their faces than would make an entire barbie doll, chase after every tall dark guy that exited the building clad in a dark suit.
so after being asked to leave the theatre i popped over to the sofitel hotel lounge for a bit to wait out the next hour. after which i went to the main equipement loading exit and waited patiently for patrizio's arrival.

chatted with some of his band members, the percussion guy was quite charming talking about travelling the world and he was about to get more into how he started the percussions when out of the corner of my eye, a tall dark and very handsome figure clad in a white 'dinner-esqe' jacket came out talking to 2 other men. and my first response was to gap like a goldfish out of water repeating mindlessly OMG OH MMMY GOD... *squeaking out*
patrizio!
then then walking as far as my trembling legs would bring me, i joined the other 3 fans who had waited it out. there was a young couple around 26ish, the girl was called natalie, didn't catch the guy's name and the other lady approximately late 30s-early 40s was caprice who worked at iceberg at bondi junction it's a celebrity hangout place in sydney. he greeted caprice with a polite hello, then nodded at natalie then leaned forward pulling me in for a hug and a KISS ON THE CHEEK. MY GOD!

once more i was reduced to my gaping mess. caprice pulled him towards her, pressing her namecard into his open palm. i have the photo of that actually, and you can clearly see HIS mouth gaping. haha. his expression was one of total shock and bewildered at having met someone so forward. man she makes me seem like a wilting shrking wallflower.

so anyhoo i told him that i went to every single one of his sydney concerts, to which with opened eyed amazement said. that's ALOT of money in that gorgeous italian golden voice of his. to which i reply. well that's alot of love.
we chatted for about another minute or so, the minutes floating by in a surreal haze.

my feelings at that moment could be very well summed up in..

volare, oh oh, e cantare, woah oh oh oh.
no wonder my happy heart sings.
your love has given in wings.
nel blu di pinto di blue.

ha. but meeting him it was like seriously meeting with dean martin, frank sinatra and young elvis all in one package. so it was somehow like another childhood aspiration come true being able to meet my music idols. ok maybe elvis is more a on and off, recent addition joing the ranks of sinatra and dino 4 years ago.

then again i oly started getting really into dino and frank when i was around 11-12 so that's only 4 years more on elvis.

i'll put the pictures up whenever i get them off phil's camera. i really should get started on my evil thing called learning, man that totally ruined the wonderful fuzzy feeling i got from recalling monday. yay! i now love monday nights.

let's see in general
i love monday nights.
tuesday afternoons.
wednesday nights.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE thursdays. cause of long days and it usually marks the day before assignments are due.
love fridays cause i get them off.
love saturdays till evening
love sunday mornings
hate sunday evening cause they represent the end of the weekend =(

ok i've totally veered off course. as usual. so now i'm going to get at least 300 words done for my essay then hit the sack. althought you and i very well know, no studying is gonna get done.
01:52

I HATE MYSELF.

today when i met patrizio, i had planned several things to say to him

buongiorno mi ciamo sandra. mi ho piaceto tuo concerto leri sera. (italian: good morning/hi, i'm sandra and i really enjoyed your concert last night)
i've been to ALL your sydney concerts last year and the past 2 nights. i'll see you again tmr night.

but nooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to be so awe struck in his presence that i totally clammed up. and could only take in his good looks. it was so surreal. man even when i met a1 at my insane peak, and got a kiss from both paul and christian, i could still chat away with them.
but patrizio, i just stood there speechless. ARGH NOW YOU SEE WHY I HATE MYSELF

OH OH i dropped my hairband and he picked it up for me!!!!!!!
i'm never gonna wash that hairband ever again.


14:56

i so so so so so so so shouldn't have done learning.
several reasons

1. i had an anxiety attack this morning about it.
2. i did extremely miserably at the learning report last year
3. for the exam i spent most of my studying on the NON learning bits of the unit
4. when i was sick and couldn't go to lectures, i was so lost in the next lectures

now the points pertaining to patrizio

5. it put a dampener on my patrizio concerts enjoyment
6. i KNOW he's going for the sydney italian festival which i had planned on going before i found out about his attendence. ok so here's what i've gathered.
tonight (27th). possibly resting from back to back performances and his voice sounded really hoarse at the autograph signing today. poor love.
mon (28th) concert again. =)
thurs (31st) performance at wellington
sat (2nd june) auckland
sun (3rd june) back in sydney for serate con sophia. the special uber exclusive gala black tie dinner with sophia loren as guest of honour. and he's performing. man if only i had the money to burn.

ok so basically if there's any night he would go it would either be tonight or tues night. but now i can't go and turn up to leichhardt which is so close to where i am right now cause of stupid learning which is due on friday. MAN! stupid learning.
have i mentioned how much i hate learning and i'm very convinced i'm gonna fail it.

man i'm depressed, i'll go have some lasagne and later pop over to gelatomassi for vanilla chip gelato later.
even i don't think they'll stock vanilla chip tonight =(

everything is going wrong for me this week!!
14:19

tsk tsk, shameful that locals don't know where martin place is. i've been living in sydney for the past 3 and a half years and even IIIII know where the sunrise building is.

for all those ignorant people (the opposite of la dolce vita) sunrise building is at the corner of martin place and castlereagh. gosh!
he'll be doing autograph signing and i'm extremely tempted to go even if it's at 10 ON A SUNDAY MORNING! does he not know that it is a sleep in day??

but who am i to say when my own parents drag us out of bed to attend 7AM sunday mass.
well he is roman catholic (i'm assuming he is cause i saw him made the sign of the cross, and come on the biggest catholic population in the world is in italy!)
anyhoo the catholics have this whole guilt trip going on, and also enduring torture for your religion. awww i miss john paul.. ok that was VERY random. but i was talking about how much friendlier and loving he is as a pope compared to the current one. ok kudos for him for bringing back masses in latin.

i know i'll be going to church .. religiously (HAHA) if it's in latin.

YAY for latin masses. and boo to having to wake up early to get an autograph. but i'm hardcore and he's so swoon worthy! OMG i'm still trembling over his voice. oh gosh.

anyway ok here's the plan.

wake up at 810, get ready
825 - 840brekkie (beg merci to let me have brekkie earlier. if not there's always tmr anyway damn college photo)
840-855 wait for the bus
920 latest i reach martin place then start walking towards sunrise building. oh wait.. don't think that's enough time! there's sure to be a queue. but i'll pray for the best.

assuming i get lost. which i have this sinking feeling i will but i know martin place pretty well so doubt that's the case. so maybe about 930 start waiting in line. better load up more music onto my player to keep me entertained. i'm patient. so that's alright.

then get back to college 1 the latest. have lunch then go and start learning. so not looking forward to that. but i've little choice.

if i'm gonna be waiting that long better have more things to sign. well i've got an unsigned first album. and this year's programme. ARGH left my forever begins tonight at home!!!!!!!

was considering buying another one but the state was selling it almost twice the price at HMV. so i've only 2 things for him to sign. oh wait, i also left my DVD at home!!

what is wrong with you sandra!!!!

so i've only got 2 items, and maybe my ticket from last night. it would be so cool if i presented him with tickets from last year. proof i've attended all his sydney concerts!!
but once again i maintain that i love and adore him for his music and talent and not so much his dark gorgeous looks.

ok i better stop and get ready for bed if i'm to be up at the unearthly hour tmr.

ciao!
22:21

things i would like to accomplish before i die.

1. be the inspiration, muse, for the most beautiful riveting heartfelt poetic possibly bittersweet songs. basically i want to be the patti boyd-harrison/boyd-clapton of today. for those unaware of her, she was the inspiration for several monumental love songs, harrison's something (the 2nd most covered beatles song behind yesterday) and more notably's clapton's layla and wonderful tonight. also pretty blue eyes, golden ring, never make you cry and pretty girl.

or more modern counterparts could be the difference by matchbox 20.
or like dean martin's everybody loves somebody. or the way you look tonight. or have i told you lately. oh ha! maybe she's a lady too! robbie's angels.
or the more obscure malafemmena or na sera e' maggio (an evening in may).

the song doesn't have to be about me but it would be nice if that were the case :)
i might have to draw the line at angsty hate filled songs screaming and swearing that i'm a motherfreakin' bitch, user and abuser of men, bane to mankind unless done in very poetic poignant context like i had broken your heart into pieces so small and left you incapable to love anyone else since no other woman's love is anywhere comparable to mine, i'm just OOOOHHHH SO bad for you, but you can't help it. my love's a life source for you, and even now whilst suffering withdrawl symptons from my dangerous but umm powerful lovin' you still think and lament that i'm your goddess..
that sort of thing haha

2a. be a museum curator that's my ideal dream job
2b. have my work displayed sigh if only i had half the talent or even drive of carly casey hammond.

3. speaking of which, having a very quiet intimate artwork done of me, the ideal one would be like the above paintings, or just a simple black and white of me sleeping, gorgeous tousled hair, sunlight streaming in creating the perfect lighting etc. something that captures me, it's not so much for ego, but rather something to reminse fondly over, to be startled everytime at the simplicity the beauty of that one moment.

4. have a whirlwind romance preferably in Italy, oh lake como! oh grand canals of Venice in a pleasure yacht! oh quaint charming cobbled alleyways! oh ancient ruins of Rome! be still my heart! be still!

5. be totally surprised with something insanely romantic that even writers/producers/directors of all time soppy love movies couldn't think of anything to top that off.. high expectations i know but a girl needs to be swept off her feet (if in need of inspiration, the facebook group is a very good start) and treated like a princess, his princess, once in a while. it's quite hopeless that i'm such a die hard romantic, every passionate stolen moments.

malafemmena.. wistful lovely sigh.

speaking of being swept off your feet.



6. eat at all the best resturants in the world. going by the 2005 best list, i can knock rockpool off

7. travel to every of my dream countries earth and let me immerse myself in their pure unadulterated unamericanised culture, like a local! wish there were no language bounderies or money limitations for that matter!
7b. travel the world by fancy train, like the trans siberian or oriental expresses, or via ship with louis vuitton trunks (which very sadly cost 40 grand each =( )

8. go to every famous museum in the world that houses the impressionist and post impressionists
8b. attend swan lake ballet.

9. have a wonderful family life, with loving husband and of course a child of my own in a lovely house with pretty pets. (told you i was clucky and nesting)

lastly, make my parents proud.
03:56

it's bad enough that i'm surrounded by people with nice defined features, large eyes, good side profile. basically people who are so much better looking than me.

once more you just had to highlight my insecurities about myself, my terrible complexion for one or do you know how much i resist wanting to go to the toilet and throw up everytime i feel fat (which is most of the time) but then i have this image of myself crying screaming out 'don't you know i hate having the disorder i'm supposed to be treating!!' which is very effective at discouraging me from picking up bulimia.

or times when i forgo spending money on something pretty or something i want just so i can save up for cosmetic surgery whenever phil makes comments about my 'chinky eyes'.

or times when jen takes swipes about my complexion, or my mom compares mine to ness, i seriously consider taking various hormonal medication inspite of all the side effects esp messing up reproductive system or high chances of depression, or harmful changes to neurotransmitters, all just so i can have a better complexion.

or sometimes i would really wish that i would get involved in a car accident breaking the bones in my face, just so i now would be allowed to get cosmetic surgery for more prominent features. i don't mind the pain. i used to partake in dangerous activites simply to get my face injured so i can get it revamped.

so imagine how i must feel when you bring up stupid dawn yang so wistfully, saying how pretty she now is with her plasticsized, then making me relive the times where i hated myself and started praying so hard for all the above? then for a week i'll sink into an ebb of depression and self loathing, then pull out the folder containing idealised pictures of myself, parts of my face i want reconstructed and the relevant costs, pre and post surgery procedures, and numbers of respective surgeons?

did you know i actually did get the money for eyes and nose job, and actually called a plastic surgeon to arrange a consultation for an operation?

you say you're supportive but when i tell you parts of myself i'm unhappy about and wanting to get surgery, you don't discourage me, instead you to the opposite and suggest areas that i could improve on. which makes me so resentful of how i am right now. learned helplessness comes to mind, cause i know full well my chances to get surgery done is practically zilch, due to my parents, societal pressures or whatever stupid unfair constrains.
throughout the entire conversation i kept wishing you'll reassure me of how i look, saying you're pretty as you are, i love you as you are or don't be silly then bash those cosmetic surgery addicted people or something to dispell all these negative thoughts of myself i have in my head.

but you don't.
23:21

first post of my blog with i did from scratch.

i love you kitty!
muacks!
22:20

anxious.

i've lost all the squealing excitement from anticipating patrizio's concert.
spent slightly more than 500 on the tickets, so now i'm so pressurised to really really REALLY enjoy it.

cause 500 can buy alot
for instance
about one ninth of the cheaper carly casey hammond paintings
the gucci sunglasses i was considering for 410 (before 10% rebate)
the louis vuitton sunglasses.. which comes at the very affordable price tag of 750. *deadpan* yay.
20:57

when asked by phil 2 weeks back to translate ahem.. RI's motto Auspicium Melioris Aevi .
my somewhat educated stab in the dark was hope for a good/better future.

while i was procrastinating today, i googled the english translation.

lo and behold.

hope for a better age.

a ha! my latin isn't shabby at all!
so should have taken latin instead of learning. ick.
21:09

i seriously do believe that i am a strong contender for the title worst person in history. and by worst person i mean go out to hurt someone who loves you so dearly and you're just too bloody deluded with self righteousness to even realise that you're wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. but that's how it is.

eyes are still pretty much raw from crying but i can't complain at all compared to all the shit i've put him through.

just got off the phone at 2, which means midnight singapore time. i don't know how i can live with myself. he has a massive massive test tmr and there i was just torturing him out of sheer uncontrollable vindictiveness, not only depriving him of 2 hours of sleep but whatever good night's rest he can salvage from it.

i'm already racked with guilt and anger at myself for ignorantly defending the rather unsavory behaviours of my friends, once again at his expense, he lost out on gold by a measly second cause of sleep deprivation. how do i live with myself. so now history repeating itself, he might not do as well as he deserves and all cause of me. i've already come to terms that my life would amount to nothing (as i've been told many times throughout my childhood by my mom) but i don't want to drag someone who would definately make a positive impact on the world into the mud with me. tonight when i presented him with the option of out, there was another reason besides 'dead end'. it was that i couldn't live with myself knowing that someone as brilliant as him could lose it all (and is willing to) just to be with me, i just couldn't bring myself to let him make such a mistake. i'm seriously his downfall. (not that i'm trying to give myself more importance). if there's one thing i know about my future, it's that.
seeing how that i always had the propensity to jeopardise his shining future, i just had to do it for his own good. cliched yes, but how true are cliches. if they weren't they would have survived till now.
i rather seem the monster now for breaking his heart, rahter than destroying his entire life. with his heart, he'll get over it and live but you can't fix an entire lifetime. so that part of me was goading me into calling him and presenting him with a way out, cruel now but he would thank me later in life for that. i really hate future uncertainties.

are we really as capable as we think we are when it comes to making big decisions that would affect the life of others?


the conversation was so full of promise, then i had to bring up the whole issue of me wanting to adopt my fourth child. i understand that it's unfair of me to impose something which yes is nobel but turns out to be very selfish and unreasonable when i realised that i'm probably never gonna work or earn enough money to contribute to this child and here i am imposing on ed
hey blah blah blah self righteous rant on why we should adopt, some children would never in their whole lives experience a tenth of the love i so undeservingly receive unconditionally from my parents, and that's one of the main reasons why we should adopt - to give someone a semblence of love that so many firtunate others have experienced.
but i realised that adopting a child would also present itself as a major issue when broken down into dollars and cents - the reality of it all. if i had endless monetary resources at my disposal i would really adopt a child, maybe another.
and i understand that it would be stressful for him to not only work to support a comfortable lifestyle for his family, he has so many obligations.
support his parents, support his family, then children's education and health insurance issues, mortgage, expenses, utility bills..
the whole shebang.

raising a family has never been more stressful and here i am, tho with good intentions i'm just heaping an additional burden on him. if only the world were that simple.

i wasn't being obnoxious when i declared catholicism to be more of a structured 'organized religion' compared to buddhism. it really is how it is.

i'm so wretched, just thinking maybe my dad deep down below his exterior of unconditional love is greatly dissappointed with how my once extremely promising life is turning out, i've really lost all motivation in life, i don't really want to admit this to anyone, more importantly myself. somedays are really conflicted, i'm petrified of dying yet sometimes i wish that i was in hospital with dengue, life is just reduced very simply to life or death, and i wish that stark life death situation would put my life in perspective. give me a kick but most of all give me motivation, drive to accomplish something with my life.
sometimes i'm pretty much convinced i'm bipolar, one minute in my head i'm happy as the summer sun, the next minute i want to curl up in my bed, detesting the gorgeous sunny weather, wishing that i didn't have classes, i didn't have obligations, i could just slip into uncomplicated sleep yet not die, just wanting to live my life as a whisper of what it could be, drifting without meaning.
morbid as it may sound i have thought many times about my funeral. few people would turn up for ME. those that do would come cause ikhwa's/alex's daugther passed away so we're going to support them, or vanessa's/derek's sister passed away so let's go support them.
i honestly do believe that my AEP girls would come, some of my sec 4 teachers, perhaps 'the table' (since they'll be limited by the travelling overseas thing) and ed, would be the only ones there.
sociable as i may seem, many people do hate me. my sec 4 class with perhaps the exception of.. clare, then again she's AEP, but i really don't think anyone would attend my funeral for ME, sandra. no one would mourn my passing in their daily lives, i'll always be a little blip in their radar that no one would ever miss when gone.

but ed, i'm sorry i really never meant to hurt you, perhaps it was taken out of context, and my temper and flair for dramatics doesn't seem to help it at all. honestly, would i be willing to give up a 5 year relationship that has defined me and truly is one of my last few motivating factors of life, for a religion for which my faith wavers? it was more complex then it seemed at the surface cause how i define my parents or rather how they have defined themselves to us, particularly my dad, is relgion.
when i think of God, my dad is always there in my mind. one part of me associations, even parallels God with my dad, i'm not being sacriligious but i believe that my dad loves the same as God, unconditionally no matter how much of a dismal failure i am.
but sometimes i feel so frustrated and filled with longing when my dad doesn't know the extent i love him, he reckons it's cause he's unconditional and lets me off cause i'm so much like him on so many different levels. but we're never affectionate or very close cause it's just ackward for him i suppose, sometimes i want to smack him screaming why can't we be more close!!!!!!! why must you always talk about God, and update me on your meetings and business trips, why can't we just talk like father and daughter! WHY CAN"T WE DAMN IT!! it's really frustrating when he's so proper on the phone. i crave for half the relationship my sister has with my mom but with my dad. i've given up on hoping for anything with my mom. i really have.
it's scary when sometimes postcards on postsecret express/make me acknowledge how i feel inside. i didn't call my mom on mother's day, i know it broke her heart, but i just didn't want to talk to her on such a superficial commercial day, but it'll just be pleasentaries which are again superficial, somehow it's better than i don't call and spoil her day.
it just is.


i don't know. just wish i knew everything.
00:06

so weird. during my cognition tute today, we were asked to spell out novel non words.
so the tutor said clird and i spelt it as cleude.
to which she mentioned hmm it's french spelling.

weird. don't know why i have a propensity to spell in french, even commission. i put accents on the letters.
18:31